Friday Booze Review: Grolsch Premium Lager

"PREMIUM LAGER." It's right there on the front of the bottle. And at $7.99 a six-pack, it's got a premium price. So why does this beer taste like the diarrhea of a 400 pound orangutang? Let's explore.

The website says that Grolsch Premium Lager was chosen three consecutive years as the "World's Best Beer" in the Pale Lager category by the Beverage Testing Institute. I'm not sure what exactly this says about Team BTI, because only someone with the sensory level of a dung fly would register this beer as "good" in their little brain.

It poured nice enough, a bright golden-yellow color with a little white head. The aroma was a cross between unwashed choad and dead skunk. The taste wasn't much better. Try to imagine a prehistoric giant ground sloth. Then imagine him pissing in a pint glass. Finally, imagine putting the glass to your lips, and drinking. Oh wait, silly me, you don't have to imagine anything. Just go out and buy some Grolsch Premium Lager.

At first taste, one notices the bitterness. At second taste, one wonders how the hell they can hop up a beer so bad without calling it malt liquor. At third taste, one wishes he had spent his hard earned cash on Budweiser or a new CD. After that, your beer experience is a blur of expletives and self-condescension. Your self-esteem becomes mystically tied to the volume of beer in your glass as you conclude that the two are in direct proprtion. Therefore, once you finish that pint and you realize just how worthless you are, you can't really help but pour another and hope for a fresh start. Alack. A vicious cycle indeed.

I couldn't even finish a six-pack.

Appearance: 6/10
Taste: 2/10
Enjoyability: -1/10
Overall: 1/10