Thursday, June 30, 2005


What's the deal with the car dealerships and this "employee prices" thing? Have they done this before and I just missed the previous media blitzes? My favorite part is that they freely admit that the 98% of the time that they aren't running this special, the markup on a $35k car is about $10k. Getting ripped off is awesome. Having it shoved in your face is even better.

Oh well, watch Der Supercop and feel better. And I'll get to working on the ol' Friday Booze Review. Cheers!

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Forever and always, I'm always here

i'll be reeeeady
Hasselhoff. Mere mortal, or demi-god? Legendary, at the very least. So why would you not want to print out your very own Hasselhoff Paper Airplane? These things are amazing, I've already folded about 10 at work just this morning. Imagine the power you will wield as you hold the Hoff in the palm of your hands. Just remember kids, as when handling all Hasselhoff related foreign objects, wear protection.


Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Thou shalt not be a band of stupid, stupid asses

yeahhhh, stho bathically...
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion."

In a stroke of pure genius, the Supreme Court has decided to forego sanity and take the plunge into complete irrelevancy. Somehow those yahoos in black "interpreted" the Constitution to say that what's good for the goose isn't always good for the gander. I used to be convinced that the paragon of secular humanism was logic, but the Court definitely blew that ideal away as they conveniently ignored the pesky little Law of Non-contradiction. I swear, you could probably get a more rational pair of rulings from a donkey dick with a crayon.

See, the fact that the Decalogue statue in Austin stands amid several other non-religious monuments implies that, to Texans, the Ten Commandments are simply representative of a pleasant little page out of history. "They shall stand!" ruleth the Court. Yet when displayed all alone with no friends to play with - like they are in Kentucky - the undeniable implication is that those silly Blue Grassers ignore any and every law that doesn't begin with "Thou shalt." Sayeth the Court: "Tear them down!" Then there's also the "jackass" rule. I will give them this: it took some mental prowess and a definite love of humor to come up with such a brilliant comedy of absurdities.

Call me silly, but a just law is a just law. Justice is still one of the few things left in this country that relativists haven't completely slaughtered into meaninglesness. That is to say, it is objective. Therefore, a law, qualified as secular or religious or whatever you so choose, if it IS a good (=just) law, will not contradict other good (=just) laws. *SHOCK GASP* Wait a sec, Blackwood, are you telling me that there is a chance that religiously inspired and man-made laws don't necessarily contradict, that they're not necessarily mutually exclusive? To which I respond, Bingo, with the caveat being that both sets are truly just.

So regarding the case in point - are they both just? It would probably take a few lifetimes to go through all bazillion and a half laws that have been passed since this country's inception, but for the most part yes, they are all just. Of course, a few stick out like sore thumbs (and hey - how convenient that they just happen to contradict religious law) but this is not the time to discuss them. So what about the religious law in this case, the good ol' Decalogue? Again, I think that if you take an honest look at them, the ones that are relevant under the Establishment Clause (all but Nos. 1-4) are without a doubt just.

Still, Nos. 1-4 should be allowed to stand, since even though they acknowledge the existence of God, they are in no way legally binding nor do they in any way establish a state religion. And, yes, they are also most definitely historically significant with regards to this country (but I'm still displeased that that was the best reason we got as to why they could stand in Texas). Regardless of what an atheist will tell you, it is not intolerant for the overwhelming majority of the population - this includes people of ALL religions - to pay lip service to God on government ground. The majority wills it, and the democratic machine rolls on, as is the nature of the beast. As my more uncouth brethren on the hard right are fond of saying, "Love it or leave it, buddy."

My message to those who feel the need to protest with all their being something which is far more relevant than, say, mass murder , is this: get a clue. I realize that as a secular humanist you are searching for something to make you feel like your life has a purpose, but this battle is not the way to do that. Why don't you give up the ridiculous notion that the world revolves around you and use your exuberance and energy to help someone out in a corporal fashion. Make a positive difference by building up, and give up the demoralizing debunking. Wow, what a concept. And my parting words to the Grand Almighty Supreme Court (and somewhat of a mantra directed towards them at this point): what the fuck are YOU thinking?

Monday, June 27, 2005

The Decline of Westen Civilization (The Michael Jackson Getting Off Years)

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Ok, I know that this one has been a while coming, especially since I did have a preview of this 2 weeks ago, but I feel that now is as good a time as any to rant. As I am sure every one living under a rock knows, Michael Jackson got off on all 10 counts that were brought against him. Now, my quarrel is not totally with Michael Jackson, but more with the masses of idiots that were outside of the courthouse supporting him.

When OJ Simpson was acquitted of his muder charges, there were loads of people celebrating. This was nearly understandble. The Simpson trial was a race trial, no matter how one looks at it. The African American community saw this as validation. One of their own guys had just gotten away with muder of two whitey's. This was something that whites had gotten away with too many times, and while it's all unjust, the people backing OJ were still somewhat validated.

When looking at the people that celebrated when OJ got off, and then looking at the ones that celebrated when Jackson got off, the differences are striking. Nearly all of the people out there for Michael were white, middle class, idiots. What were they celebrating exactly. There was no downfall of a double standard here. There was no justice for any race, creed, or belief. It was just a case of a rich guy buying his way out of prison, after doing something dispicable. And nonetheless, this was celebrated. I'll bet that most of the people there even believed that he did it, but were coming to his defense anyways. Let me cite one example. This makes me sick.

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This is Fabria Garmani. Fabria, or Fabs as I will now call her, released a white dove for each charge that Jackson was cleared of. Thats 10 doves. Why did she do this? Because she was not allowed to listen to Jackson's music in Iran, where she is originally from. To her Jackson means her freedom, or something. She says "What represents freedom more than doves?" To which most respond and should respond, "What about a large iron skillet to the face you dumb bitch."

This makes my brain hurt. I can't write anymore, and I had so much more planned. Thanks Fabs. You dumb.......

Hook 'em

Just in case any of our five readers lives under a hole... yes, Soggy Burrito led Texas to our sixth National Championship, sweeping the Gators in the College World Series.

Texan and Statesman coverage... (subscription)

Always proud of our Horns, the Triumvirate was quick to mount a glorious celebration on the drag:

Fan rowdiness, including a Dice money-quote to end the article
and a Dice photo-op? (subscription) Maybe he wins the most.

texas fight
The Triumvirate is in the truck, just hidden... on the right side. Next year we'll be in every shot.

Finally (for now), the obligatory video.

Texas fight!

UPDATE 1: Here we go, two thirds of the TOB and Dice (AGAIN?)

we love winning
Go here (yes, you still need to subscribe) for the full size shots and for more of what the Drag action looked like.

UPDATE 2: Oh yeah, and NOW we can dogpile.

doggy style

Friday, June 24, 2005

Friday Booze Review: NIXED

Well crap. I realized I was going to be too busy running errands yesterday afternoon to properly drink, so I was going to surprise you guys with something special... a Land of the Dead review! Unfortunately, the lame ass cinema megaplexes only give midnight screenings for lucrative franchises like Star Wars or Batman. Yeah, because when the Godfather of zombie flicks puts out his latest installment it's not a big fucking deal or anything. The chick at the box office did give me the showtimes for today though... the earliest was 10 AM. Yes, you read that correctly. 10 AM. Would any self respecting zombie fan be caught DEAD at a 10 am showing? Of course not. You go at the latest possible hour, ALWAYS stoned out of your gourd, and exit through the alleyway, thus forcing you to traverse through an unknown (and hopefully dimly lit) environment. God bless you, megaplexes, for your complete lack of creativity and personality.

I can't wait to catch this movie. For those of you who haven't seen any Romero: first of all, kill yourself. Then rent the blessed Trilogy and tell me what you think after you finish his Opus.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Going Looney

Just in case you were wondering why the moon has looked so drop-dead gorgeous this week... check out the story here here. And let it be settled once and for all for you unbelievers that the moon does NOT shrink as it rises.

Oh yeah, picture courtesy of Astronomy Picture of the Day, and copyright some Greek dude.

More List Madness

Party on, Wayne

This time it's the AFI's 100 greatest movie quotes OF ALL TIME. Those pretentious bastards just HAVE to throw in the "of all time," don't they? I would've bet my life that "Here's looking at you, kid" would've taken the cake, but alack. I do ask, could Gone With the Wind be any more overrated?


  • Where the hell is Jaws? Forget about the bigger boat, what you really need to do is "Smile you sonofabitch!"

  • NOT ONE quote from the Princess Bride? "Inconceivable!"

  • "Hello? Hello? Anybody home? Think Mcfly, think!"

  • And finally, in case some of the quotes that actually made the list initiate your gag reflex, "If you're gonna spew, spew into this..."

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Greatest sports night of the Summer and the Real World

Seriously, could yesterday have been any sweeter? We got not one but TWO ass-kickingly sweet college baseball games, a rockin' game six (leading up to a DECIDING GAME 7!) in the Finals, a 20-11 slugfest, AND we were treated to yet another Big Papi multi-homer night. If I would've had a blank tape laying around I would've set it to record every Sportscenter from last night I could squeeze onto it. So amazing.

Okay, you wonder, but did you still you have time to catch the hour-long first episode of the newest Real World? Of course! My commercial break management and PIP action allowed me to reach all-new, never before seen levels of channel maneuverability... i.e., I caught it all. First, allow me to preface by saying that I cannot stand these shows. The indescribable pleasure obtained from seeing young, nubile women slut themselves around and, well, be hot is still eclipsed by the overwhelming guilt associated with wasting life-hours watching shallow people wallow in a perpetual bitch-fest. Longest sentence ever. That said, this season is in the 512. Our town. I have to keep an eye of those egocentric assholes to make sure they don't do anything stupid.

For a really good play-by-play and hilarious commentary, go here to see what you missed on the first episode. For now I'd just like to point out that out of 7 cast members, 2 are 19, 4 are 21, and 1 is 23. Oh yeah, and the 23 year old wasn't even introduced until AFTER the first commercial break, is Christian, is a virgin, and is 100% faithful to her boyfriend back home.... so it's a safe to say that she probably got more air time on this episode than she will the entire rest of the season combined. What are we left with, boys and girls?. Three males at their sexual peak and three skank-ass 'hos. Seriously, the entrance narrative should be changed to "This is what happens when you let 6 kids live on their own, booze them out of their skulls every night, and watch them fuck like rabbits." I'm not really sure what could be less interesting than watching someone else re-live my college years.

But like I said, it's Austin, and I have to watch just to see how they paint the town. In the first episode there was already a case of random hoodlums on sixth street assaulting the drunken cast members while they were already down. Assaulting, as in pretty-boy-Danny getting his skull fractured by a cold cock. HA! Fuck you Beantown, down here we go blindside cheap shot on your punk ass. Yeah, I'm not really sure what I think about all that, but it seemed pretty cool because it was Sixth Street on Tuesday night and the cops were just watching the whole thing. Actually, fuck it... I wish I would've been there to give him a nice boot to the head too.

Okay, worthless post #835287 out of the way. For real though, make sure you watch this season. Or not. Oh yeah, and don't forget to take the sexiest driver poll and check out Robert Horry's greatest shots. And for the love of all that is holy, be home and have the TV on ESPN at 6:00 tonight, wearing burnt orange and drinking.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Bombs away

Leave it to the Dutch to pull off an experiment like this. I love the headline, too: "Good sex really is mind-blowing for women." Come on guys, tell us something we don't know. Apparently the researchers could tell when women were faking an orgasm because during the real thing the part of the brain that controls emotions and fear becomes completely (and involuntarily) deactivated. Those heartless hussies.

Money shot quote: "Men were studied in the same way, but because it typically took only 20 seconds to reach ejaculation, it was difficult for neuroscientists to obtain and interpret data."

Wow, and all this time I thought I was a quick draw.

Monday, June 20, 2005

To swim, or not to swim

Continuing my "Absolutely Irrelevant" series...

On Friday I was getting my hair cut by the little Asian laday down the street when she, for some reason or another, divulged that she didn't know how to swim. My attention instantly latched on to such a quizzical notion. No offense to any of you aquatically-challenged out there, but how can you not know how to swim? It seems as simple and basic as a rythmic movement of your arms and legs, and indeed it is. Needless to say, I was completely preoccupied with trying to figure it out during the rest of my haricut, and have puzzled over it since. I've come up with two possible - and I think plausible - scenarios in which someone might not be able to swim.

The first is the psychological explanation. This one's pretty straightfoward. I would conjecture that the non-swimmer has a simple phobia (hydro- or aqua-?) and that when immersed in deeper-than-waist water goes into panic mode. In this case, "I can't swim" should probably taken as "I experience anxiety when forced to keep myself afloat, and therefore prefer to exclude myself from such situations." Of course, this can be overcome by therapy and other crap, so that's the boring one.

The more interesting explanation I came up with was evolutionary. Let me try to go through my (probably horribly flawed) thought process. Most mammals have at least the ability to keep themselves afloat and head toward solid ground. Humans are mammals, and I think it's safe to say that an overwhelming majority of people CAN swim, as opposed to those who cannot. Note that here, by "can't swim," I mean to say that a person has absolutely no inherent physical capacity to keep himself afloat, and that any phobia should be disregarded. Of course, we are human, so we can all learn to swim, but this ability should also be disregarded.

At this point, I assert that the difference between swimmers and non-swimmers is genetic. I think it's a fairly self-sufficient claim. It implies that at some point back in the day, selection pressure for "swimmer" was high, and allowed that certain genetic combination to flourish. This also makes sense, especially in consideration of the following scenario. Humans evolved near large bodies of water - probably rivers. Accidents invariably happened, and anyone without the "swimmer" set of genes, a "non-swimmer," would've drowned. Over time and after several iterations, the non-swimmers would be effectively wiped out. This is all good and makes sense, but it's not the end of the story. At some point we have to append to this story the human ability to learn, and this is where it gets more interesting.

At a later point in human evolutionary history, we developed a problem solving ability that hinged on lightning quick reaction times. Hence, a solution to the problem of drowning was made available to those (very, very few) non-swimmers. Couple this ability to escape with the ingenuity that allowed humans to be essentially SAFER when near the water, and the non-swimmers can make another run at spreading in the general population, this time with little to no adverse pressures. Still, non-swimmers, at a relatively low percentage, reach a limit of spread, since there is no positive association between being a non-swimmer and flourishing. So we end up with a number of people that have no inherent physical ability to swim.

Zoom, zoom, zoom, fast forwarding to the modern day. Someone says "I can't swim." They might actually be right at the most basic level - the physical one. But at that brilliant moment when the first person was zapped with the amazing thing we call consciousness, we were all given the ability to learn how to swim, genetic makeup and materialist biology be damned. So we can tell that person to simply transcend their physical limitations, pay for some swim lessons, and presto, they're cured. Thus, barring severe mental deficiencies, "I can't swim" is a lie. We win.

Oh yeah, I forgot, there's also a third scenario, which just might be the most credible. Read it here, it's amazing.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Friday Booze Review: Anchor Steam Beer

Picked up this one because it was new on the shelf, and I'm still afraid to try more than three Turbodogs at a time. Steam beer, apparently, is what you get when you brew lager yeasts at ale fermentation temperatures (higher than usual). The brewing process results in high CO2 pressure, which I could see visibly when I opened a bottle. A little spray of "steam" lingered for about 20 seconds at the mouth. Very cool.anchor steam beer

It poured a gorgeous copper-amber with a fluffy light tan head. Absolutely picturesque, but unfortunately the head dissipated rather quickly. The aroma was roasted malts, very warm and inviting. It kinda reminded me of that stuff we used to eat back in the day, what was it....? Oh never mind. Every now and then I would catch a little bit of a floral whiff and maybe the slightest hint of toffee. Pleasing, to say the least.

The flavor had a real earthy feel to it. It was like sweet wheat bread, which gave it a nice wholesome taste. Smoothly malted but had a nice bitter hoppiness at the end to give it some bite. Managed to maintain a balanced and comfortable weight throughout, I think due to a good (relatively low) carbonation level. This beer was definitely at its finest during the first three to four gulps after pouring when I could get a good mouthful of head and splash it down with the liquid (wow that sounds hot). There's really nothing like a lip-smacking, creamy-goodness gulp of head, and this beer definitely deivered on that one. Still, like I mentioned, the head didn't last long at all, so your enjoyment of that aspect is limited to the beginning of pints.

Overall, this was a pretty good beer. It's definitely got some character, which is a difficult thing to find these days. At $7.50 a six pack, and 4.9%, I'd say bring this one to a barbecue to impress your friends with your familiarity with a West Coast classic that can hold its own.

Appearance: 9/10 (lost a point for the short-lived head)
Taste: 7/10
Enjoyability: 7/10
Overall: 8/10

Thursday, June 16, 2005

I have seen the Bat, and it is good.

I'll be honest: Bat-flicks of the past pain my heart. As much as I want to love them (and do to some extent, out of a forced effort more than enything), I've watched painfully as this series has tumbled downhill, snowballing into the crapfest known as Batman and Robin. What was started in the sufficiently dark, if not impersonal, first movie quickly became a circus show of over the top villains, painfully cheesy oneliners, and black light neon hell. Fortunately, Christopher Nolan not only lays this scarred past safely behind us, he completely shatters it. Annihilates it. Renders it non-existent. Batman Begins is just that - a new beginning. It is a fresh start to a series that desperately needed and deserved one, and it is good. This is Batman.

First of all, Nolan does an absolutely brilliant job shooting the Bat. There is never a full on shot of the Dark Knight. There is no choreographed fight scene faggotry. The fighting is done in tight, camera jerk style, focused on the victim at hand. I thought it perfectly captured the criminal's POV: confusing, and fear inspiring as all get out. And that's the way it should be. You SHOULD be a half a move behind Batman when you are watching him fight. You SHOULDN'T know where he is or where he is coming from next. He is a surgical strike from the shadow of the night, not a damn full frontal Matrix fighter. As Liam Neeson's character tells Bruce Wayne during his training, "this is not a dance." Right he is.

Speaking of Bruce Wayne's training, The entire first hour of the movie is devoted to the "Man" half of Batman. Rejoice. And again, I say rejoice. There was always something missing from the first four incarnations... and that something was Bruce Wayne the man. I liked Keaton as Batman and all, but his ice cold persona didn't ever make much sense without any backstory. Kilmer in Forever had a weak half-ass attempt at fleshing things out, and I won't even say anything about Clooney. But Christian Bale via this Nolan/Goyer script completely redefines the role. We understand Bruce Wayne. We understand his motivations, his fears, his desires. And knowing what makes Wayne tick is absolutely essential to making the Bat real. I won't say that it makes the movie more real, because that's a silly thing to say for a comic book flick. But I will say that it makes it GRIPPING, and that for my money is what it's all about. I was on the damn edge of my seat nearly the entire movie.

We cannot be fully immersed in Batman's world without environment, and again Nolan sets the new standard. Gotham is AMAZING. "Gotham must be saved" becomes a mantra that transcends the rhetorical trick of personification - for Gotham IS alive. It lives, breathes, has a pulse. You can feel the gritty rhythm of the big city in so many shots. Inner city sleeze, corrupt politics, crime and punishment, all against the backdrop of the concrete jungle, give this town true character. Add to this a barrage of impeccable character acting - Neeson as Ra's Al Ghul, Caine as Alfred, Morgan Freeman's Fox, and Gary Oldman doing the Gordon he was born to do - and you dive into a world in which you will inevitably drown. God bless these actors for serving character over ego. Nolan has each of them delivering tight as a tick performances that advance an incredibly well written storyline centered on Wayne and the Bat. Nothing more, nothing less. The restraint shown is utterly brilliant. Oh yeah, and the Batmobile is a boner-inducing goo fest.

One can only imagine what the other Batmans would've achieved had they been priveledged with Nolan's leadership. But as depressing as "what might have beens" are, I am left with nothing but hope and glee over the prospect of "more to come." Batman Begins didn't really have an ending, per se. By the end of the movie, Gotham STILL must be saved. There is no tidy cleanup and sigh of relief. Bruce and the characters around him are still evolving, even to the last scene, and it leaves us wanting more, more, more. Oh yeah, and there is a surprise sneak peak at the end that will make you splooge your pants whilst thinking about Crispin Glover. I shit you not. My wettest of dreams is that Warner will sign on Nolan and the complete production crew to do about 3 more of these in the next 12 years or so. It was compelling, beautiful, and nothing short of breath-taking. I'm telling you, if you do nothing else this summer, get your eight bucks and go see this movie.

Batman has begun, and there's no turning back now.

DOUBLE EDIT: I just realized that I forgot to include any criticism of the movie, and it does deserve some. First, Katie Holmes is pretty worthless. Also, the Scarecrow was borderline over-the-top asenine. And last but not least, the score was completely forgettable. At one point in the movie I remember wishing specifically for at least a hint of the Elfman score. Alas, it's mostly drab filler, which is somewhat depressing.

Second edit, I bought Batman: The Animated Series Season One right before I went to the movie on Wednesday. I've only watched three episodes so far, but hot damn - this was a badass cartoon. I watched it from the beginnning when it first came out, but I don't remember it being so rough and unrefined during the first season. Still, I love it, and definitely recommend it for anyone with time to kill. Rock and roll.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

You know you're badass...

Hook 'em

...when you don't even have to dogpile after winning your way to the CWS. "That's not what we do here... We all expect to get to Omaha." Damn straight, Crouch.

And how much of a hoss is Cox? Well let's just say I would probably have his babies. Now let's get ready for a sweet-revenge series against those damn Bears. I expect you all to wear burnt orange every day this week.

Texas fight.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Coming Soon....


The latest installment of the unpopular and unacclaimed series of "The Decline of Western Civilization." Here is a sneak peak......

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Best worst sausage, I mean books

Human Events asked a panelist of fifteen conservative scholars and public policy leaders to generate a list of the "Ten Most Harmful Books of the 19th and 20th Centuries." Here's what they came up with:

1. The Communist Manifesto - Marx and Engels
2. Mein Kampf - Hitler
3. Quotations from Chairman Mao - Mao
4. The Kinsey Report - Kinsey
5. Democracy and Education - Dewey
6. Das Kapital - Marx
7. The Feminine Mystique - Friedan
8. The Course of Positive Philosophy - Comte
9. Beyond Good and Evil - Nietzsche
10. General Theory of Employment, Interest and Money - Keynes

Overall, I think it's a pretty good list. I'm not too sure about Hitler and Mao as numbers 2 and 3, though. Both their books were relatively obscure until their regimes actually came to power, at which point they were heavily circulated. So I would say their causal power was limited. However, I have to especially agree with the inclusion of Dewey on the list. He butchered the notion of an objective education, instead replacing it with the "knowledge is experience" crap we are left with in today's public schooling.

Of course there are objections, as there should be with any "best-of" list, but the jackasses over here need to get a clue. They assert that "books don't harm people; people harm people." Ah yes. How could I forget, the world is full of psychotics whose ideas spontaneously materialize in their minds. Communism as inspired by Marx and Engels wasn't responsible for the deaths of millions or anything. Seriously, it's mindblowing to see how deconstructionist some people get, just to defend things that were obviously harmful. Ideas have consequences, it's pretty cut and dry.

Anyway, chime in with your thoughts on the list (and the honorable mentions). That is, unless you're a pinko, in which case we will go Crucible on your ass.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Friday Booze Review: Saint Arnold Fancy Lawnmower

mow the lawn, drink beer

Remember the ESPN advertising series for the NHL (R.I.P.), "Every game has a story"? Yes. Good. Well with a slight modification, the slogan holds for drinking. Every beer has a story. My Saint Arnold experience is no exception. Oh, and I'm hijacking that slogan.

I bought this one because I've tried their Amber Ale and loved it. And also because it's called Lawnmower Beer, and I was feeling pretentious at the time and thought I would look cool carrying around. Plus, it's a "true German-style Kölsch." Oh goodie, whatever the hell that means. Quick aside, Saint Arnold is a microbrewery down here in lovely, scenic, historic Houston. Have yet to visit, although I've been warned it's a pretty crummy tour. So who knows. They brew like a bazillion strains of beer and several seasonals. Anyway, back to the story.

So I buy this beer, $6.50 a six pack, 4.9% alcohol by volume. Low carbonation, poured a pale yellow with the wimpiest of heads. I couldn't really catch a distinct smell until I tasted it. Then it hit me: I was drinking cut grass. The smell, the taste, the texture... cut grass. That's all I could think of. Crisp, clean, and freshly watered... cut grass. This means that it holds true to its namesake, but that's not necessarily a good thing. I guess it made it feel a little more like the breezy summer afternoon it wasn't, but it really did nothing to excite my palate or elevate me to a state of beer elation.

Six beers later I was hanging a decent buzz, but was rather unimpressed with my drinking experience. The beer does not lend itself to sipping, so I had moved into more or less chug mode. From there it lost the cut grass effect but achieved a new flavor, which I can only describe as funky-lemony-House-y. That's House-y, as in Icehouse-y. Yes, the Hooooooose reared its ugly head - and in more ways than one. This morning I had that beautiful bloated look and feel characteristic of a long night of drinking House... lovely! AND, this beer gave me the worst beer shits I've had in years. Here, here!

I find it difficult to comprehend how a microbrewery can put such a blase, crap beer to market. Micros are supposed to be about character, but this one had all the personality of a middle-aged suburbanite. (See the pattern? Who is obsessed with all things lawn, including mowers and cut grass? Suburbanites!)I think Saint Arnolds was deliberate in their attempt to make a beer that has the "regular old" taste and feel of a macro... only kicked up a quarter of a notch. In my opinion, if that's the kind of beer you're looking for I daresay you're better off sticking with the mainstream variety (oxymoron?). If you do feel the urge to try it, I'd recommend it as a variation on the traditional Budweiser with your father on the back porch kind of thing. But only if you must.

Appearance: 3/10
Taste: 6/10
Enjoyability: 5/10
Overall: 5/10

Thursday, June 09, 2005

We rule

Everyone loves Texas. Why? Because we are the best. Or maybe because everyone is completely masochistic and enjoys watching every sports team we have climb to nearly the top only to come crashing down during OU weekend late in the season. Hopefully our baseball team and track squad will prove me wrong this week. Wow, I digress from my digression.

We made Play of the Day on IGN. Because we are awesome. Check it out, it's pretty sweet.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Going-Ons are Going On

With the recognition that I really no have no opinions worthy of sharing, we move to the great blight of blogging: personal reflection. Wait! Repress the gag reflex. As most of our readership is fratastic in the same way I am and being president dominates my calender (aside from the time I spend at my second part-time job, impregnating women who find genetic engineering abhorrent but want that top notch DNA), these "personal reflections" could be more aptly labelled "Oh sweet Jesus, why did I let you assholes vote me into presidency...I mean, here's what's going on with your old chapter." At least I can provide a break from that pearl-necklaced bastard Vince's proselytizing with fraternal anecdotes and non-sequitar links.

Soooo, let's see. Non-sequitar link... mmm pogo sticks, I smell party theme.

and anecdotes to be created soon. All I really need to say is: Summer of Richard. I'll do you proud, Gizmo. Vicarious experience of undergraduate hedonism for all!

I'll head off now with my current leadership propagandato recharge my waning motivation cells and keep my eye on the prize, as soon as I figure out what the fucking prize is and present it to my vassals.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Film Fun


Slaves to pop culture we are. Especially film we love. With these websites, fun you will have and time you will kill.

  • The Angry Alien team is producing a series of 30-second re-enactments. And by re-enactments, I mean they are re-enacted... by bunnies. Their latest is Pulp Fiction, and they have Alien and Jaws in the vault, along with several others. Great stuff.

  • Guess Which Movie is pretty self explanatory. They load a screen still and you have to pick which movie it's from. They only have about 250 movies in the database as of now, but it's growing.

  • Four Word Film Review is a site dedicated to its namesake. All "reviews" are user submitted, and more than a few of them are absolutely hilarious. My favorite so far is for a film I've never heard of called Vasectomy: A Delicate Matter (1986). The four word review:

    "Sack to the Suture."

  • Finally, for fun's sake, I present to you The Brain Freeze. You don't wanna miss this one.

Monday, June 06, 2005


I love the stirrup. It's to baseball what bean soup is to the Senate. I still have vivid memories of putting mine on before Little League games back in the day. Sadly, one need only watch a single MLB game to realize the wearing of the stirrup is at a low point. It has been usurped by the dreaded long, baggy baseball pant, a la Manny Ramirez:


Those things are hideous. Manny, you play on the Red SOX. Show some team pride.

Lest we forget the glorious heritage of America's favorite pasttime, read this awesome article from Paul Lukas' Uni Watch on the stirrup. It's loaded with links to pictures of how sharp players USED to look out on the grass with their socks pulled high in proud display. If nothing else, the first paragraph should give you some hope for a comeback of the beloved baseball uniform staple. Very special props to his referencing of the "Platonic ideal of stirrup, sani, and pant length." That's classic stuff.

¡Viva la stirrup!

Sunday, June 05, 2005

The Chi Phi Anna Kournikova

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I knew that we should not have let that ping pong table go to shit. I need to play more parlor games. Say hello to Biba Golic.

Post Script: I am reclaiming this blog.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Had to share...

Hottest woman EVER. Jessica, to you I pledge my undying love and devotion. The South is rising again, if you get my drift... Here are more pics.

Friday, June 03, 2005

Friday Booze Review: Grolsch Premium Lager

"PREMIUM LAGER." It's right there on the front of the bottle. And at $7.99 a six-pack, it's got a premium price. So why does this beer taste like the diarrhea of a 400 pound orangutang? Let's explore.

The website says that Grolsch Premium Lager was chosen three consecutive years as the "World's Best Beer" in the Pale Lager category by the Beverage Testing Institute. I'm not sure what exactly this says about Team BTI, because only someone with the sensory level of a dung fly would register this beer as "good" in their little brain.

It poured nice enough, a bright golden-yellow color with a little white head. The aroma was a cross between unwashed choad and dead skunk. The taste wasn't much better. Try to imagine a prehistoric giant ground sloth. Then imagine him pissing in a pint glass. Finally, imagine putting the glass to your lips, and drinking. Oh wait, silly me, you don't have to imagine anything. Just go out and buy some Grolsch Premium Lager.

At first taste, one notices the bitterness. At second taste, one wonders how the hell they can hop up a beer so bad without calling it malt liquor. At third taste, one wishes he had spent his hard earned cash on Budweiser or a new CD. After that, your beer experience is a blur of expletives and self-condescension. Your self-esteem becomes mystically tied to the volume of beer in your glass as you conclude that the two are in direct proprtion. Therefore, once you finish that pint and you realize just how worthless you are, you can't really help but pour another and hope for a fresh start. Alack. A vicious cycle indeed.

I couldn't even finish a six-pack.

Appearance: 6/10
Taste: 2/10
Enjoyability: -1/10
Overall: 1/10

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Watersuck, the nature of Politics, and Scandal-gate


"The family believes my grandfather, Mark Felt Sr, is a great American hero who went well above and beyond the call of duty at much risk to himself to save his country from a horrible injustice." - Nick Jones, Deepthroat's grandson

With all due respect, Mr. Throat can eat a big one.

First and foremost, we must understand that politicians don't live in the same plane of existence that we do. They live in a very priveledged world. And as leaders of the greatest empire mankind has ever seen, American politicians in particular receive a very special priveledge indeed: freedom from conscience. So it's no surprise that lying through their teeth comes as easily and naturally to them as pissing. They're politicians, that's what they do. To change the nature of politicans would require nothing less than completely revamping the political structure, but even that can't happen until we acknowledge the way things are.

Now that said, there is absolutely nothing heroic about ratting out the President. There was certainly no "risk" involved. The "horrible injustice" that we were saved from is, in actuality, that distinctly American brand of representative democracy we know and love, in action. Mr. Throat himself acknowledges that he doesn't "think it was anything to be proud of." You're damn right Deep. For crap's sake, that was JUST what this country needed at the height of the era of disillusionment - something else to further distance the American public from their elected officials.

I contend that "uncovering scandal" is nothing more than a crass political move with the intent to cause unrest. It is a tool whose sole purpose is the outing of opposition from positions of leadership. Nothing more, nothing less. Ever wonder why a particular politican's scandalous behavior is never unearthed by someone of his same party? Hmmm.... So let's stop with all this hero talk. While we're at it, let's quit pretending that "scandal" is a big deal in American politics, and that it deserves big deal coverage in the press. "Public outrage" over something as stupid as Watergate or Clinton-Lewinski is fueled 100% by front page reports and talking heads who try to pass tabloid sensationalism as sophisticated journalism. Fuck you, Pulitzer Prize.

Here's a suggestion for you, mass media: get your heads out of your asses, stop reporting crap like this, and start writing stories that matter. Write about how ineffectual our legislators are. Write about how Republicans have squandered their control of Congress and what they need to do to get things done. Write about how stupid and expensive a "war on (insert inanimate object here)" is. Write about any number of relevant topics. But until a President is performing secret satanic rituals in the Oval Office involving the rape and murder of virgins by the dozen, I don't even want you to THINK about printing the word scandal in a legitimate print news source. ANY mention of the word scandal for anything less than the above reason will be taken for what it is: an unwarrented and partisan agenda against an elected official. That's Scandal-gate for ya.

As for you, Mr. Throat... Well, you're really old, so I don't think we should throw you in prison for being an ass. Still, take heed future whistleblower. You may think that by revealing truths we already know that you are acting in a noble fashion, but you'd be wrong in assuming so. Like Deepthroat, and deservedly so, your name will probably just be forever synonymous with the word "cocksucker."

Quick Link

Richard, this is just for you. You're going to be the greatest Alpha ever once you master these Quick Verbal Tactics. Also, don't forget to read the obligatory blog, all about conflict resolution. Let others' inability to communicate stand not in the way of progress. Read on, fair one.