Friday Booze Review: Saint Arnold Fancy Lawnmower

Remember the ESPN advertising series for the NHL (R.I.P.), "Every game has a story"? Yes. Good. Well with a slight modification, the slogan holds for drinking. Every beer has a story. My Saint Arnold experience is no exception. Oh, and I'm hijacking that slogan.

I bought this one because I've tried their Amber Ale and loved it. And also because it's called Lawnmower Beer, and I was feeling pretentious at the time and thought I would look cool carrying around. Plus, it's a "true German-style Kölsch." Oh goodie, whatever the hell that means. Quick aside, Saint Arnold is a microbrewery down here in lovely, scenic, historic Houston. Have yet to visit, although I've been warned it's a pretty crummy tour. So who knows. They brew like a bazillion strains of beer and several seasonals. Anyway, back to the story.

So I buy this beer, $6.50 a six pack, 4.9% alcohol by volume. Low carbonation, poured a pale yellow with the wimpiest of heads. I couldn't really catch a distinct smell until I tasted it. Then it hit me: I was drinking cut grass. The smell, the taste, the texture... cut grass. That's all I could think of. Crisp, clean, and freshly watered... cut grass. This means that it holds true to its namesake, but that's not necessarily a good thing. I guess it made it feel a little more like the breezy summer afternoon it wasn't, but it really did nothing to excite my palate or elevate me to a state of beer elation.

Six beers later I was hanging a decent buzz, but was rather unimpressed with my drinking experience. The beer does not lend itself to sipping, so I had moved into more or less chug mode. From there it lost the cut grass effect but achieved a new flavor, which I can only describe as funky-lemony-House-y. That's House-y, as in Icehouse-y. Yes, the Hooooooose reared its ugly head - and in more ways than one. This morning I had that beautiful bloated look and feel characteristic of a long night of drinking House... lovely! AND, this beer gave me the worst beer shits I've had in years. Here, here!

I find it difficult to comprehend how a microbrewery can put such a blase, crap beer to market. Micros are supposed to be about character, but this one had all the personality of a middle-aged suburbanite. (See the pattern? Who is obsessed with all things lawn, including mowers and cut grass? Suburbanites!)I think Saint Arnolds was deliberate in their attempt to make a beer that has the "regular old" taste and feel of a macro... only kicked up a quarter of a notch. In my opinion, if that's the kind of beer you're looking for I daresay you're better off sticking with the mainstream variety (oxymoron?). If you do feel the urge to try it, I'd recommend it as a variation on the traditional Budweiser with your father on the back porch kind of thing. But only if you must.

Appearance: 3/10
Taste: 6/10
Enjoyability: 5/10
Overall: 5/10