Friday, April 29, 2005

Is that a burrito in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?

I'd like a choco-taco, hold the onions

Every now and then, we must stop and consider just how absurd our society has really become. Let us reflect now, while we read. My favorite part is the happy ending: the kid's new name is burrito boy! Awwwwwwwww.....


Take that you fucking Yankees! Suck it, Lemon-head.

Here's a snippet of last night's action:

'Hey Jorge, you wanna make out?'

Posada: What the fuck was that you douchebag? You're throwing like a gay man with AIDS.
Brown: I'm trying as hard as I can!
Posada: Quit letting the runners distract you you piece of shit.
Brown: But I couldn't stop looking at Vlad's impaler, that thing could feed my family for a week!
Posada: Fuck you clown, Vlad's mine.
Brown: Wanna have gay sex?
Posada: Let's do this big boy.

Just a day in the life of the Yank's dugout...

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Small child saves the world

Well, not really. But he did bail out Warner Brothers.

Here's the deal. I think it's safe to say I've seen my fair share of Looney Tunes. Between "The Bugs Bunny and Tweety Show" on Saturday mornings, "Bugs Bunny" on TNT back in the day when they used to show it EVERY DAY after school, the "Acme Hour" on late-nights in junior high (maybe high school, I don't remember if it ran that long...), and now, when I get a chance to catch it, Boomerang, I have racked up some pretty decent LT stats in my day. (...credibility rising, ROOOOWWWRRR...) Still, as much as I love watching those cartoons, I gotta keep it real: the glory days are in the past. People love classic cartoons because they're just that: classic. Nothing will ever eclipse the original greatness. Therefore, I'm not really that bothered by Warner Brothers trying something new.

Now, that said, there are certain stylistic standards that must be met and, quite frankly, this does not cut it:

evil Looney Tunes

That's what they had originally planned to roll out. It seems Warner fell to pandering to the masses, using the "anime-raped-over-a-thousand-times-by-Americans" look that is all too common these days on cartoon programming (res Cartoon Network). I admit, when I first saw it, I was a little disturbed. The Looneys can't look menacing! Come on now. Take the Road Runner for example. He looks like he would slit my throat with his wings. Looney Tunes can and must be mischievous, but it's comic mischief, not "WE MUST BREAK YOU" mischief, a la Ivan Drago.

Turns out, some kid from the Midwest was pretty upset, so he created an online petition website against the LT makeover. I think it has something like 100k signatures so far. Not too bad for a little guy. Even more impressive is that Warner took heed, and cites him as a reason they are going back to the drawing board. Way to go, kid. Now go brush your teeth.

Now, Warner, this is for you: hire some real artists and creative writers and let's do this. No half-assing. Make little bracelets for your staff that say "WWCJD?" or "WWTAD?" or even "WWFFD?" Include at least one instance of self-reflexivity in every episode. One barrel of gunpowder. Satire. More satire. I want to be able to check these things off like they were on one of Joe Bob Briggs' lists.

Th'th'th'th'th'that's all, folks.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Me and my Murse

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The man bag.
Perhaps the most made fun of, as well as misundertood bags to grace the planet. Only the tea-bag may be looked down upon by more. I purchased a man bag this week, with many misgivings about what exactly I was about to undertake. After a full 5 days with this piece, I already feel ready to make a full analysis of what I now deem as the ultimate in functional fashion. Allow me to deliniate the benefits of my new found friend.

1. You can put shit in it. Shit that you cant put in your pocket, but you want to have it on you (ie: book, magazine, umbrella). Where does this shit go? Murse.

2. Women will notice you more because of your man bag. They say to themselves: "Boy, this guy really has it together. Imagine the self confidence he has, being able to carry around a thing that most men would find to be a burden and a slight of their manhood." They might also say,"Imagine all of my shit that he could carry in that man bag."

3. The aforementioned women will give you their phone number, but where to put it? MURSE. They have no paper to write their number on, or no pen with which to write it. USE THE PEN AND THE PAPER THAT YOU HAVE IN YOUR MURSE.

4. Some dude who has no confidence in his masculinity makes fun of your man bag. First you can point out that it is a MAN bag, and then you can hit him with it. This hit may prove to be even more effective if you have bricks or some other hard objects. WHICH YOU COULD ONLY CARRY IN A MAN BAG!!

So in my final defense of the oft maligned and rarely appreciated sac d'homme, allow me to say this: "Do not judge a man unless you have walked a mile carrying his heavy man-sack on your shoulder." Don't rag on my bag, fag.

Flippin' awesome

Amphibians + spontaneous combustion = a twelve year old's dream. Click on Mr. Toad.

Where's Ichabod?

We Win

For surely the pornography industry has suffered trying to pawn those stoic saline implants on us as "arousing" or "worthy of spanking off into Kleenex in our desk chairs". I like these cosmetic trends. From Botox, which makes the statement "I'll put botulism in your face." a real joy to FDA approval of silicon-gel implants (mm-mmm silicon-oxygen backbones all up in that bitch), men everywhere rejoice as women empower themselves by giving us hard-ons. Hopefully, before I jump off this mortal coil, brilliant scientists will discover many terminal diseases have the capacity to turn women into Adriana Lima when manipulated, and I can gloriously hump a cornucopia of beautiful women, promising them devotion until the end of their days. At least the obesity rate will go down, and we can get our cookie monster back before they rename Big Bird to BMI-under-25 Bird.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Daily briefing

Great Scott!

This might become an every day kinda thing. Who knows...

  • Hey, who woulda guessed? No WMD. I wonder if Colin Powell still has nightmares about the time he had to go on live national television, in front of the world, and convince us that those trailers were full of death. Oh well, what's a brillinat career really worth if it doesn't have a stain or two.

    Apparently we should expect a wave of Iraqi weapons experts to seek employment in the "benign civil sector." That's funny. I wonder if they'll unionize.

  • This is a fun game. For a microcosm of the bureaucratic mire that is the federal government, go here. Click on one of the top menus and then keep following links that look interesting. See how many clicks it takes to actually find one piece of soild, meaningful information. Better yet see if you can find anything worthwhile without reaching a dead end. Draw your own conclusions.

    End object lesson.

  • She's nothing if not ambitious...

  • A woman in Scotland is suing a hospital over an abortion she had there a few years back. The procedure was performed on her twin unborn children, and one of them, little Jayde, survived. Ah, selfishness is surely a gift from God...

  • Finally, social security. What gives? Here's what gives. There was once a time, we'll call it the first 200,000 or so years of mankind's history, that social security didn't exist. People worked it out. There was something called responsibility, which meant you not only looked after yourself, but your parents as well, when they got old.

    I think Mike Herrera would chime in here with a "responsibility, what's that?"

    I love America. Except when she forces us to finance one of the most bunk systems ever devised by man. Oh wait, I guess I never love it then. Down with social security!
Seacrest, out.

T-Mac what?

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Poor Shawn Bradley. Talk about deja-vu.

Probably the toughest part about being from a non-major urban area in Texas is that you have to pick from one of three equally awesome NBA teams to root for. Man, Texas freakin' rules. We are the best at everything.

Monday, April 25, 2005

He never told a lie.  Posted by Hello

Shattered (beer) Glass

With rathergate mania simmering on the back burner, and the exploits of Steven Glass nearly forgotten, except by Hayden Christensen fans, It was only a matter of time before the next scandal regarding a lack of journalistic integrity reared its head. But in this case, two guys are getting fucked over for reporting on a true story, and are guilty of being eye witnesses to the events about which they report. "What did they do?" you querie? Report on a rape that they committed?, a murder they committed?, i say thee nay. These two charlatains, they played beer pong.

Craig McCool and Mairin Chapman of the highly regarded poop rag the Kalamazoo Gazette were fired after writing a story about young adults and drinking. The two attended a party, played a game of beer pong, wrote a story, and were (beer)canned. I vote for these two to be the new editors of the Daily Texan. Or at least the Travesty. Lift your glasses to Craig and Mairin. True martyrs for their craft.....and livers.

Juggle juggle bo buggle

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Forget the WWE. It's all been downhill since the Bret Hart glory days. These days it's all about the WJF. That's right, the World Juggling Federation. Leave it to ESPN2 to devote six straight hours on a Monday afternoon to a juggling championship. Excuse me, "sport" juggling. I have to admit though, these guys are bad-Ace with a capital 'A.' As color commentator Penn Jillette let us know, "the judges want you to leave the circus stuff at the circus." This is the big time, boys.

Check out the winner's professional life. Hard-freaking-core. I think Richard should ditch medical school and start learning how to tap.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Me want cookie!

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Cows eat grass. Lions eat zebras. Elephants eat peanuts. The cookie monster eats cookies. Not fruits, not vegetables, not even cheeseburgers. Cookies. For goodness sake, is nothing sacred? C is for cookie, dang it, and if it's good enough for a muppet, it's good enough for me. For those of you who have no idea what on earth I'm talking about, the cookie monster, that bastion of indulgence and gluttony, has had a change of heart. Cookies are now just a "sometimes food." Yes, a sometimes food. Apparently the USDA slipped a food pyramid (one size doesn't fit all???) into the monster's mailbox and convinced him and the writers of Sesame Street that they were brainwashing children to be mindless eaters... Trust me Sesame Street, the kids watching your show are the ones about whom you should be least worried. Try flipping over to Nick or Cartoon Network during the after school hours to get a glimpse of a real eating campaign in hyperdrive.

Let the cookie monster be. Let him eat cookies. Quit being apologetic for a monster with a three word vocabulary. Give us back the insanity.

I just found out that last year the writers had the monster reveal that his name used to be Sid. Sid?!? This is getting out of hand. Sorry Sid, you're on your own, buddy.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Please Super Size Me

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I understand the purpose of eating healthy. Sometimes, I even try to do so, but when I want to eat crap food, I want a lot of it. The far reaching tenrils of Morgan Spurlock's imitation of Upton Sinclair are beginning to anger me. I go to jack in the box today, and all i want is a damn combo meal. I order said combo, and the "waitress" retorts "LARGE, Medium, or small?"This threw me for a loop, however brief. There was a time when ordering a combo meal meant that you had to make no decisions. That is why they have a combo meal. Is this jack in the box's attempt at catering to a healthier society? Or is it just a money making scam? Charge the same price that you used to, lower the size, and charge more for people to get the size that they are used to. Stop me if i begin to sound like andy rooney, but this is just insane. Damn that was a good burger though.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Cherry? What cherry?

Me: Giz, my density has brought me to you.
Wes: What?
Me: Oh, what I meant to say was...
Wes: Wait a minute, don't I know you from somewhere?
Me: Yes. YES. I'm Vince, Vince McFly. I'm your density. I mean, your destiny...


  • Is anyone else out there seriously disturbed by the fact that the Bulls are the #4 seed out East? My mind is boggled, to say the least. Suffice it to say, however, that the Suns, my all-time favorite team, will prevail this year. Dan Majerle, the best years of your vastly underrated career were naught for nill.

  • Okay, so they were approved by the Judiciary Committee, now we wait out the inevitable fallout when the proverbial shit hits the Senate floor. Somewhere in the back of this simpleton's mind, a voice quietly asks just how democratic, let alone adult-like, it is to refuse and block a vote. I'm no government expert, nor do I ever claim to be, but come on... All moral questions aside, let's pretend like we're not 3 years old and just vote on it already.

    That said, how awesome would it be if the Republicans actually managed to get the filibuster rules changed... BWAHAHA, take that you lousy Democrats.

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