Friday, February 16, 2007

Well lo and behold

Perhaps my apocalyptic grumblings earlier this week were a bit premature; apparently I have access to the Blogger site again. Was this only a temporary outage, or am I back to stay now? Who's to say?

Regardless, the diatribes must resume.

Today's subject matter is especially barfworthy: the self proclaimed "new urban parent." Yes, they exist, and they are rallying and getting vocal. As Gawker so succinctly puts it, "a generation of self-consumed hipsters have suddenly discovered parenthood, and we'll be forced to listen to them for years on end." God bless it.

Do you want to see what some new urban parent bloggers look like? Good.

That's right, they are all young and conservative. Or, errr, uh, old and basking in their irony and hipness. And how does it happen that people so self-obsessed finally decide to procreate? Well, the obvious answer is that procreation is the simplest method of ensuring self-perpetuation, paradoxically making it the perfect solution for the those primarily concerned with preserving themselves and their own image. I've got a better one, though.

Think of a hipster as living on the supergiant branch of the H-R Diagram. After he has burned through the natural supply of self-centeredness in his core (probably around age 36), it begins to collapse. Sufficiently high temperature and pressure are achieved so that heavier elements - sacrifice, concern, empathy etc. - are then produced via fusion, both in and around the core. The heaviest of elements (caritas) now completely occupies the core.

Something so foreign to the hipster is unstable, however. Eventually, the core becomes so massive that it completely collapses under its own gravity. The outer layers crash inward, reach a critical density, then bounce back out in a spectacular explosion. The hipster is now a type 2 supernova, and has just gloriously discharged all his elements - good, bad, and ugly. And this is the stuff of which ironic babies are made. (Good gravy, that was forced.)

If you feel like torturing yourself, you can read their blogs. Honestly, you guys should thank me that I spare you the mundanities that are the details of childrearing. Instincts really aren't that fucking interesting, and they're anything but hip.

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At 11:31 AM, February 16, 2007, Blogger CD said...

If Deuce were on the H-R Diagram he'd be a Brown Dwarf.

At 3:53 PM, February 16, 2007, Blogger Richard said...

Team Hipster takes umbrage at your blanket assumptions. The malleable mini-Richard I will attempt to create in the future will surely have a father that survives long enough to make him 167% more self-absorbed than his sire.

At 6:04 PM, February 17, 2007, Blogger Bass said...

the only way you can make it to a 167% more self absorbed is to be flexible enough to blow yourself.
Live the dream mini-richard!!

At 9:52 AM, February 19, 2007, Anonymous frankiefirefox said...

I took up yoga last week, my only goal being to gain the ability to blow myself.

At 1:02 PM, February 19, 2007, Blogger Vince said...

(Deuce = Brown Dwarf) = brilliant


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