Damn you, Michael Bay.

The beauty of the internets is that someone, somewhere has already written something that corresponds exactly with what you think, and probably better. This is especially true about reviews.

I didn't read any reviews of Transformers before we went on Tuesday night; I thought I'd try and maintain some element of suspense. I've only read two so far - Harry's and Quint's on AICN - and I think I can stop reading now. Quint says it all, and with far greater detail than I ever would've used.

I can't remember the last time I saw a movie that left me this befuddled that it actually existed. Now I know how your parents felt when they took you to see TRANSFORMERS THE MOVIE. "Well, I guess this is what kids like now. Huh." ...

I know it's not fair to drop the B&R bomb, it's like comparing people to Hitler in political discussion. But TRANSFORMERS is honestly approaching BATMAN AND ROBIN proportions of horribleness. You can't say it's as bad, because the lighting is nice and nobody's wearing rubber fetish costumes or pink gorilla suits, but it's a similar type of minding-numbing machine gun barrage of moronic, inept garbage. And it goes on for almost 2 1/2 hours, longer than some interrogations...

I can't see enjoying this on anything other than an ironic or anthropological "human beings really made this!" type level. No matter how it plays this summer, this movie is so full of bad taste and "what the fuck?" moments that I do believe it will live on. Ten or fifteen years from now, when some theater in a college town plays it as a double feature with ROADHOUSE, it will absolutely kill.

The only way I differ from him is that I thought many of the jokes in the movie were actually funny, and I did find myself laughing out loud and having a good ol' time during about the entire first half of the movie. Especially during the masturbation joke. Maybe I was delirious because it was so late at night, or maybe I still have the maturity of a 13 year old. Probably both. Regardless, read on, if you so wish to be spoiled, because Quint nails it.

P.S. Megan Fox is unfuckingbelievably hot in this movie. If Tito wouldn't have been sitting next to me, I probably would've rubbed one out. Several times.

P.S.S. Two other ways I disagree with Quint, but that don't have to do with this movie: I was entertained by Bad Boys 2, and I loved Armageddon. And I'm talking LOVED. As in, I fucking cried when Bruce Willis took Ben Afflek's spot on the suicide run.

"Harry!!!"

God bless it.