Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Deadspin is funny

From Deadspin, regarding Rocky VI:

We're still unclear of the plot of the new movie, though we know Antonio Tarver is playing someone named "Mason Dixon." We were discussing the movie with some friends this weekend, though, and, if this isn't too Simmons of us, we had an idea. We think it should be like Rocky IV, except instead of a Russian foe, it should be a fundamentalist Muslim. (Think a 76 percent less racist Glass Tiger.) At the end, when Rocky wins, he gives the exact same speech he did at the end of that movie, except it's broadcast over Al-Jazeera. World peace results.

Here is an alternate storyline. After Rocky IV, the Russians secretly cryogenically froze Ivan Drago. In the near future, his genetic material is used to create an army of super-beings. Vladimir Putin, in a fit of insanity, uses the army of Dragos to invade nearby Turkmenistan, and establishes what becomes the homebase for all evil in the world. The army of Dragos, who are also super-intelligent, devise a new, unimaginable weapon of mass destruction.

This aggression will not stand. Rocky, who himself has benefitted from gene therapy (remember the "brain damage" he was coping with in part V? No more, my friends...) is recruited by the CIA to singlehandedly infiltrate the base, destroy the army of Dragos, and assassinate Putin. He accepts and sets out on his mission, but is almost immediately captured. The sick and twisted Russian gives him a chance at survival, however. If he can defeat the army of Dragos in the ring, one at a time, using only one hand... okay, this is getting out hand.

The new Rocky is going to suck.


At 9:16 AM, January 24, 2006, Blogger angel, jr. said...

As much as I've seen them, I still watch the Rocky repeats on Spike whenever they are on. And I always get that energy surge when "Gonna Fly Now" plays.

At 9:27 AM, January 24, 2006, Anonymous frankiefirefox said...

I am not real excited about the new Rocky, I think the original concept was well played out by Rocky 3.
If you are talking about Punch Out, I think it is the "Great Tiger"

At 10:02 AM, January 24, 2006, Anonymous bass said...

i like that you havnt lost hope, but you forget on key point. Stallone has already been a key player in the rise of the taliban (rambo III) he cant be trusted. And for the record rocky 3 is the most under rated of the rocky films long live clubber lang.

At 10:09 AM, January 24, 2006, Blogger Vince said...

Yeah, they totally amalgamized Glass Joe with the Great Tiger, accidentally, I think.

The new Rocky is going to suck ass, in much the same way part 5 did. Why?

1) No Burgess Meredith
2) No Carl Weathers
3) No Mr. T
4) No Dolph Lundgren

At 2:04 PM, January 24, 2006, Blogger mrshife said...

I can't even imagine what kind of plot they are going to conjure for this sixth installment. It is going to be ridiculous for sure. I think your ideas are more plausible than what Stallone and his monkeys are working on.

At 8:09 AM, January 25, 2006, Blogger T. Leach said...

Hollywood is lame--eg, Rocky, of course, Have you Checked the Children, and the list goes on. They recycle, like any good leftist. Fuckers.

At 3:12 PM, January 25, 2006, Anonymous Sporty Goth Cody and Ving Rames said...

I say they should make "Million Dollar Rocky", you know, a heart warming Rocky 6 where Rocky dies at the end after a 12 round fight with brain cancer... or something like that. Then, they can make a Rocky 7 which would be directed by George Romero and become a #1 box office smash combining sports with the zombie genre... but that's just wishful thinking


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