The Story of My Life

I'm going to share with you a phenomenon I encounter quite often, and I'd like to know if it is a common experience. I'll call it New Guy Complex.

The course of the complex is as such. First of all, you're the new guy somewhere. The primary requisite is that there is a significant female presence in this place. Qualifying situations run the gamut from the first day of class, to moving to a new apartment, to starting at a new job or a new church.

Now, what is the first thing any God-fearing male does in an unfamiliar situation? That's right - he scans for opportunity. Of course, each guy has their own personal scanning method. I personally prefer the breast-up technique (if their ain't no white meat, I don't wanna eat), but the specific method employed is not terribly relevant. What is essential is that in an as fast and efficient manner as possible, said male has formed and internalized his "hit list." Phase one is now complete.

Some time passes. Not too long, mind, possibly 5 different exposures to the women on the list. At this point, a process takes shape. I call this process uglimination. After the certain period of time (and yes, it is different for all males), you see one of the chicks you once thought was hot and/or do-able, and realize, "ehhhh....." She is not as good looking as you once believed. In fact - she'd be eligible for the paper bag treatment. She definitely doesn't deserve to be on the list.

You have just ugliminated her.

Over time, the list becomes more and more refined. Eventually the male is left with a much smaller list than what he composed on day one. This, my friends, is the point where the complex really gets complicated, so bear with me.

In editing his list, the man is not always rational. In fact, this is a truism for men with respect to anything regarding the opposite sex. He may have considered a number of irrational factors in deciding who stays and who has to go. [Definition: an irrational factor is any aspect of the woman not dealing specifically with her attractiveness.] Irrational factors include such things as personality, sluttiness, or the possibility of a friends with benefits situation. These are factors that have plagued man's existence since the dawn of time, and we must not expect that we, as modern and advanced as we are, will be able to escape their effect.

Extreme irrationalism in man has one main consequence. A shitty final list. A truly insane man has on his list no good looking chicks, because he has overly weighed the benefits of said irrational factors. Although this is obviously the extreme case, it is unfortunate, nonetheless, and should sadden us all.

If the normal form of the complex is allowed to run its course, two things should happen. Number one: the final draft of your list should consist of girls that are way to hot for you to ever fuck. Number two: every time you see one of the chicks that got cut (which should be fairly often), you should internally cringe, and note to yourself, "what the fuck was I THINKING?!?," or something of similar effect.

Living with the complex has become a normal part of my life. Sure, there are some real bow-wows I have to pass in the halls of the office that were once on the hit list. But you know, it really gives one a sense of accomplishment, of growing up if you will, knowing that you have the ability to say, "No, I will not fuck you. My list is final, and my standards have been set." This is what we as scientists call "coping." And a wonderful thing it is.

Further undertaking:

There are several points of future research that need to be undertaken.

1) What is the effect of age and marital status in the development of the conflict? Untested hypothesis: you're old, you've been married way too long, anything willing to spread its legs that doesn't look like your wife is "all systems go." Theoretically, the complex fails.

2) What is the effect on a male when all female specimens in his vicinity really are "that hot?" Untested hypothesis: the "hit list" is internalized, but never revised due to the true hotness of women around him. Two outcomes are possible, based on the status of the male. a) Male with valued resources - chooses his pick of the litter, if you will, or fucks the kitties in sequence. b) Male with little to no valued resources - system overload. The inability to whittle down the list via conquest OR the process of uglimination drives the man insane. He becomes a pedorass, or gay. Therefore, unless you are a fortunate son, you should always steer clear of large groups of hot women. Theoretically.

3) What is the effect of alcohol on a man who has run the full course of New Guy Complex? Tested hypothesis: buffalo season opens.