Well, well, well

I am up to my eyeballs in shit at work, so out of necessity I will be brief.

First of all, as intrinsically homosexual that the NFL is, the Superbowl is just straight-up fucking gay. I'm not being facetious, either. It is butt-fuckingly, cum-guzzingly, carpet burn on your face GAY. I hate it.

Now that we have that out of the way, I'm trying to figure out why the NFL blows on such an epic scale. This may be elitist snobbery, but who gives a shit: I think it's the fanbase. Who out there claims as their favorite sports team ever a professional football team? Yeah, you know the kind of guys I'm talking about. They're about half a step up from fucking NASCAR fans.

Let's face the cold, hard truth: anyone who lives and dies by the NFL these days is a damn meathead. Nothing else could explain why you would suffer yourself to care about such a micromanaged, pre-packaged, corporate fed, downright blasé sports league. And yes, I have a nearly identical gripe about the NBA.

The Superbowl is like that point toward the end of a gay orgy when so much semen has been flying around for so long and everyone's ass is so ripped to bloddy shreds that it attracts the attention of even the most nonchalant of bystanders. Shocked, yet totally transfixed by the spectacle, they say, "Wow, I usually don't do the whole gay thing - but look, in between facials we get funny commercials AND halftime entertainment! Fuck yeah, I'm down!"

GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY

I know, that was completely over the line.