Two quick questions, and the obligatory anecdote

1) Is a fly technically a fly if it is buttoned and not zipped?

2) I know everyone's already take note of this, but did they really start the Christmas season earlier than ever this year, or is it just me?

-------------------

You know how after we get back from Salt Lick, everyone is MIA for about half an hour while nature calls? (I know that was a THIRD question, but it was more rhetorical than anything.) Okay, keep that in mind.

Yesterday, we had our Thanksgiving feast at work. They set up tables in the open space near the elevators, lined up the food next to the cube farm, and let everyone loose. It really was a feast, too. Needless to say, I went for thirds, and tore through a stacked dessert plate. Free shit at work? Hell yes, I take full advantage.

About the time I took that last bite of pumpkin pie, I had a rare moment of clarity. Here were no less than 50 old men, eating their fill, all at the same time.

We only have four stalls on this floor.

I panicked, ran to the bathroom, and pinched one off real fast.

About half an hour later, I woke up from the nap I was taking in my office, and decided to check out the battle zone. Combat was in close quarters. The pat-pat-pat of ass-fire, explosive sounds of colon-blow, and nauseating smell of mustard gas overwhelmed me. Shell-shocked, I stumbled from the bathroom, the taste of bile in my mouth.

This is another thing, as a bit of a lengthy aside. My shits are surgical strikes. I'm in, I take care of business quickly and quietly, like a ninja, and I'm out. My average time is probably about 45 seconds, and only that long because I always have fun wiping. So what's up with these diarrhea sounding, wet ass, shits I always hear everyone else taking?

I mean, seriously, what is wrong with your digestive systems? Sure, I expect to hear something wet and nasty every now and then. But these old guys come in, and every time, without fail, it sounds like the Apocalypse ripping out of their assholes and into the toilet bowl. It's disgusting.

Back to the story, so yeah, I had to take a piss a couple hours later, and guess what? Yup, still full, still awful.

Thank God for the uniquely human gift of foresight.