Thursday, January 04, 2007

Feast of my asshole, starring Dia-fucking-rrhea

Last week I watched a movie that was so bad, I still haven't gotten over it. Actually, that's a lie. I couldn't even watch the entire thing; I only made it through about 20 minutes or so before I had to shut the fucker off. It was without a doubt, the most atrocious thing I've ever laid eyes on. I speak of Feast. This was the first movie I have rented from Netflix that actually compelled me to leave a review for it. It is that fucking terrible.

As most of you probably know, I get an instant hard-on for horror-comedy. I fucking love it, in all its self-conscious, self-reflexive, witty glory. I think I've probably jerked off to Tremors, Evil Dead 2, The Blob, and Critters at least 30 times each in my lifetime. And the genre is far from dead - have you seen Slither yet? It's textbook. However, though Netflix and many of its civilian reviewers billed Feast as comedy horror in the strain of Shaun of the Dead, etc., it most certainly is not.

the worst movie ever madeWhat it is is pure, unadulterated ass-piss. The 20 minutes I saw was an endless series of cliches, all stitched together with miserably, miserably failed humor, totally devoid of any original content. Not only that, but I watched it when I was stoned, so I was hyper-perceptive of the high school one-act play level acting and the abyssmal production value.

That's right, it's not even entertaining when you're high.

I don't know why it angers me so much that this movie even exists, but it really makes me want to pull the heads off kittens. This is a week later, for fuck's sake, and I still find myself flashing back to the god-awful mess I witnessed after an innocent night of imbibing. I imagine this is the closest I will ever be in my life to being raped. I feel violated, and I'm afraid I may be scarred for life.

I want to get every last soul involved with the making of this abomination and force them to Clockwork Orange it in an old, abandoned theater for the rest of their lives. I want them to suffer the hell that they have created and unleashed upon the earth and mankind for the rest of their waking days.

Cock. Balls.

Read a more detailed (and more level-headed) approach to the suckitude here.

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At 3:21 PM, January 04, 2007, Anonymous V said...

I feel the same way about "Being John Makovick". sp
I'm still pissed to this day that I sat through that entire piece of shit movie.

At 8:12 AM, January 05, 2007, Anonymous bass said...

maybe watching "monster squad" could help you get over this.

At 11:39 AM, January 08, 2007, Blogger Richard said...

Titties? Maybe?

At 3:22 PM, January 08, 2007, Blogger Brian said...

here's to terrible movies. i ALWAYS finish a movie off (same with my women), but after the midget scene in Benchwarmers, i had enough. i resorted to the internet for the entertainment richard speaks of.

At 5:32 PM, January 08, 2007, Blogger Vince said...

Tit-in-face is the cure-all. Let's see if it works on this wonderful cold I am developing...


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