Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Who is C-Diddy?

He is a god amongst men. A titan amongst mere mortals. He is the first World Air Guitar Champion from the U.S. of A. He is C-Diddy.

I strongly, strongly, STRONGLY suggest that you rent/watch Air Guitar Nation completely spoiler free (I think it's the only way you'll get the full force of its impact), but if you must get a taste of the pudding before you eat the pie, then witness C-Diddy in all his glorious splendor.



Aww.

Skeet. Skeet.

Motherfucker.

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Monday, August 13, 2007

Black Sheep

I don't know how Black Sheep managed to fly under my radar up until this point, but it looks fucking great.



It's good to see that someone in New Zealand has taken up Peter Jackson's splatstick torch (his Bad Taste and Dead Alive are essential classics for any fan of the genre.)

Looks like it's off to the Angelika sometime this week to check this one out...

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Thursday, July 19, 2007

Yet another Bad Boys 2 reference?

If you don't read C.H.U.D. daily, you should. The guys are truly fans first, and critics second, yet still tend to remain a little more level-headed (if not more cynical) than the Harry Crew at AICN. If you haven't gathered from my constant linkage to them, I'm a huge fan of both sites.

Right now, C.H.U.D. is running their list of their Fifty Guiltiest Pleasures. Today, Day 14, gives us Demolition Man and Bad Boys 2. Just what does Devin have to say about it?

Bad Boys II is maybe my ultimate guilty pleasure because I hate movies as stupid as this, and I definitely hate movies as overindulgent as this – just when you think the film is over our leads head to Cuba to decimate a chunk of that country. Actually, I take back the claim that Bad Boys II is stupid: that would indicate there is some sort of thought process behind the film, no matter how insipid. Bad Boys II is pure chaos corralled into cinematic form, full of sound and fury and signifying nothing… except one great fucking time at the movies.

People say that Transformers was the movie Michael Bay was born to make, but I really think that film was Bad Boys II. He takes action choreography to such a new level of amorality and wastefulness – just imagine the costs of the first chase scene, when he even throws a fucking boat into the mix! – that you feel like this is the action spectacle Caligula would have made, except maybe with more horse fucking or something. Bad Boys II is sensation without sense, a film whose sensibility is hyperviolence thats so hyper it's no longer cartoonish but just sort of ugly, a juggernaut of metal on metal and director on audience.

Signature Moment: Will Smith and Martin Lawrence carjack Dan Marino and then engage in a high speed chase with a van that is spitting corpses at them. Dead bodies slam into the windshield and get splattered under the wheels of the car and you realize how unlikely it is that any chase scene will ever top this one in terms of sheer disregard for basic humanity.
Doesn't Michael Bay just look like the kind of guy who would make these movies? I love him.

To give you guys a good example of the sort of sick fan-wit that permeates the styles of most of the contributors, check out this standard bit from Nick. He's writing about Guilty Pleasure #32, Kiss of Death (yes, the David Caruso Kiss of Death):

Signature moment: Helen Hunt, who at the time was still mad about Paul Reiser, is living life on the outside while beau David Caruso counts out his days in the hoosegow. Her reward: slamming death from an oncoming truck. She takes its grille, its engine block, the whole damn load and she takes it hard. Somehow it's heartening to see Helen Hunt get devastated by a truck in the first act of a film. I envision an alternate cut of Twister featuring this intro, followed by two hours Bill Paxton banging the daylight out of Jami Gertz and cranking up some Loverboy on his boom box to drown out the cries of the tornadoes.
Fucking genius. No lie.

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Friday, May 25, 2007

The infamous wheelchair scene



Classic.

Also, if you've got a solid stomach, try watching this. Rosie vs. Elisabeth, Part 87.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck is hot. I mean fucking HOTT. And she wins. And Rosie is a cunt. So is the red haired lady.

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Thursday, May 24, 2007

The critics are schizophrenic

I was drunk two nights ago when I consumed Del Toro's Pan's Labyrinth, and I am definitely tanked now as I finish Aronofsky's The Fountain. Let me say up front that I LOVED both of them. The critics, on the other hand, don't agree with me. Both The Metacritic and Rotten Tomatoes show a striking disparity in their favor of the two films, with an overwhelming majority on both sites being in favor of Pan's Labyrinth.

I can honestly say I don't follow the logic; after all, both are the same film under different guises. Both rely heavily upon the premise that physical life and its inseparable sufferings are only the gateway to an eternal destination (which is very potentially blissful). Perhaps it is Pan's emphasis on present suffering, as opposed to The Fountain's emphasis on both the timeless and eternal, that nabbed the critics' love. I honestly can't claim to comprehend.

Suffice it to say that both films are the cream of the crop for 2006 (and as my Netflix friends who have suffered through all my two-cent reviews well know, I've tried to consume a substantial chunk of the year's critically well-fared). For surely, there were more entertaining films, but none were able to both challenge the viewer on life and post-life issues and transcend fleeting, contemporary politics as these two did.

As icing on the cake, both are also among the most stylistically superb of the year. You owe it to yourself to track them both down, and, if not purchase them, view them at least once. They are both excellent examples that film is not quite an irrelevant medium.

Good grief, I'm hammered.

Next stop, Apocalyptico.

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Thursday, April 12, 2007

I've got some paper towels

My brothers and I used to use this oneline like it was going out of style. I still get tempted to bust it out every now and then, but I know no one will ever get it.





From The Great Muppet Caper, probably my favorite (hence, the best) Muppet movie ever.

Jack Warden has a cameo in TGMC as Fozzie and Kermit's editor. Of course, we also remember Jack for classic work in the classics Problem Child 1 & 2. Here's a timeless scene from the latter. Make sure you watch the whole thing - the payoff is AMAZING.

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Thursday, April 05, 2007

You'll Shoot Your Eye Out Kid

Sad news...yesterday, Hollywood director Bob Clark, the guy behind "A Christmas Story," (and Porky's incidetally) died in an auto accident. He was with his son driving down the PCH in California when they were hit by a drunk driver. Really sucks. "A Christmas Story" is definitely one of my favorite flicks, as I have plans to be Ralphie in the bunny costume for Halloween this year. It's a shame. I have this DVD, may have to watch it tonight.



On a lighter note... FRIDAY OFF!! Tickets for Grindhouse at 7:00. This would be my most anticipated movie of the year, if it weren't for this.

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Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Trailer for a trailer? A sneak peak...

As you're all aware, not only is Grindhouse going to be presented as a double feature, but it will be shown complete with faux trailers for fictional films. Eli Roth (Hostel), Edgar Wright (Sean of the Dead), and Rob Zombie (uhhh) are each directing one.

Head over to IGN to see Roth's work on Thanksgiving. It's got all kinds of nudity, so you'll need to verify your age.

Hooray, IGN!

This comes out on Friday... but go see it on Monday!

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Monday, April 02, 2007

ATHF:MFFT one-sheet

Outstanding.

UPDATE: Much higher resolution artwork here.

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Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Bad news, good news, worse news, and Turtles music

The bad news is that I think my motherboard is fried. The good news is that I was planning on buying a MacBook within the week anyway. The worse news is that I can't think of a cheap way to recover all my music and other media *coughporncough* from my (now homeless and useless) hard drive, barring purchasing a new cheapo motherboard for that sole purpose. My failure to archive has caught up with me, yet again. Any ideas or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

---------------

I'm worried about the new Turtles movie. I can't put my finger on it, but the trailers just seem to lack a certain charm (to say nothing of their Feldmanlessness). It feels like it misses out on both the really seedy grit of the comics and the sheer absurdity of the original cartoons/movies. I guess I shouldn't pass judgment until I see it though.

One thing thing it can do to hold the standard and thus earn positive marks is to include a good, instantly dated soundtrack.

"Turtle Power" by Partners in KRYME, from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

8 Wheels, THE skating rink, used to play this song religiously, along with C+C Music Factory, Marky Mark, Hammer, and Ice. The only thing that sucks about it is that it calls Raphael the leader - what is wrong with these people? "Raphael is cool, but rude," DUH.



"Ninja Rap" by Vanilla Ice, from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze

Speak of the devil... I remember literally shitting myself in the theater when His Whitness made an appearance. Fucking AWESOME.



And the full music video. Drink every time you see the keytar.



Finally, "Tarzan Boy" by Baltimora, from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III

The weakest of the movies also sported the weakest of the soundtracks. I think ZZ Top and maybe Technotronic had songs on it, but Baltimora obviously took the cake.



TMNT trailer:

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Friday, March 09, 2007

Friday night at the movies

Two movies that I really want to see that probably couldn't be any more different.

The first, and most obvious, is 300.



The other, perhaps not as well know, is Into Great Silence.



One is ephemeral eye candy, the other is a glimpse into the eternal; my dualistic tendencies persist.

Into Great Silence has a very limited release schedule. It's been screening in New York for a couple weeks now, but it's not coming to the Angelika in Houston until May. Austin and Dallas will have screenings, as well. (See here.) It looks like it would be worthwhile to see on the big screen.

Read more on the film and the Carthusian Order in the "About the film" section of the official site.

Next week my is going to be nice and slow at work, so I'll try to come up with something worth your while in between movie time.

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Monday, February 19, 2007

Martin Scorsese and the City of God

I'll try to avoid major spoilers here.

I've read several reviews of The Departed that gush over its stylistic achievements, yet decry its lack of overall relevance in that it fails to speak to a "larger theme." In fact, some have cited that as the sole reason it will fail to win the Oscar for Best Picture.

I call bullshit on that one.

Scorsese's central thematic content is a flawless exercise in Augistinianism, ripped directly from the pages of The City of God. The kernel of Augustine's masterwork is found in the final chapter of the 14th book:

Two cities have been formed by two loves: the earthly by the love of self, even to the contempt of God; the heavenly by the love of God, even to the contempt of self.
And thus is the entire history of mankind summed up - as a struggle to survive (and if it all possible mold for the better) the Earthly City, in order to align oneself more perfectly with the Heavenly. It is a struggle to find and establish a right relationship between the two.

Scorsese wastes no time in establishing Costello (Nicholson) and Queenan (Sheen) as the prototypical residents of their respective cities. The first spoken words we hear are Costello's, the local crime boss: "I don't want to be a product of my environment; I want my environment to be a product of me." He is the center of his own universe. Queenan, on the other hand, is the police chief who is as equally devoted to stopping Costello as Costello is to himself. His defining line, "We deal in deception; what we do not deal with is self-deception," should send your mind racing back to the Oracle at Delphi.

Serving as the personal link between these two men are two young police troopers, Sullivan (Damon) and Costigan (DiCaprio). Whereas Costello and Queenan are firmly established in their respective cities (again to be clear, the Earthly and the Heavenly, not physical cities), these two have just begun their residences, one in each. Costigan goes undercover for Queenan to try and rat out Costello, while Sullivan works as a mole for Costello in Queenan's office.

Scorsese spends the majority of the film then observing the consequences each must bear as a result of deciding to plant their faith in one city while having to work to survive in the other. The consequences of that decision, after all, are the most relevant and most interesting aspect of any individual's life - and afterlife, for that matter. For lest we forget, those bearing the namesake of the title are dealing with the ultimate, eternal consequence of their decisions. Scorsese constantly reminds us of that grim reality as repeatedly he intercedes on behalf of the deceased: "may the souls of the faithful departed rest in peace."

Now, the characterizations alone in the film are enough to warrant criticism toward Scorsese for perhaps being too overt in his symbolism (a scene in which Costello is bathed in red light, indulging in drugs and other pleasures of the flesh sticks out in my mind as being especially egregious). This to say nothing of the way the dualism aspect is none too nuanced (he practically screams "TWO CITIES" at us in the final shot). His overreliance on explicitness, along with a couple other technical plot holes, are my only criticisms of the film, however, and are really the only ones that are justifiable.

Whether or not you subscribe to Augustinian theology or not, his contributions to both the philosophy of history (he invented it) and politics (he influenced Western political thought more than any other of the patristic writers) in The City of God and his other writings are immeasurable. Thus, to claim that The Departed - a textbook case study of Augustinianism - is irrelevant in terms of "significance" (as opposed to films like Babel or Letters From Iwo Jima) proves that a) you are a historical and cultural cretin, 2) you are a Modernist, and d) you are an idiot.

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Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Two presents: one for Richard, one for Giz

First, Richard's. Indy 4 has a release date! Shooting starts in June, with a worldwide premier of May 22, 2008. Hip hip.

A funny rumor: Supposedly Harrison Ford threatened to quit the show because the powers that be weren't going to let him use a real whip. The whip was going to be CG fucking I'ed in later (thank you George Lucas)! Of course, Ford wouldn't let Indy become pussy trash like that, so he put his foot down, and now he's got his real whip. Legendary!

Next, Giz's. In case you haven't been keeping up, the Angry Nintendo Nerd has slowly been expanding his sphere of interest. There for a couple months he was the Angry Video Game Nerd, now he's the Angry Movie Nerd. And guess what his first movie rant is? Giz? You guessed it! TMNT 3! God bless it.



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Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Don't cross the streams

Go here and scroll to the bottom for a three segment radio interview with Dan Aykroyd. In part 2, he mentions Ghostbusters 3: Hellbent, to be done in CG fucking I, with at least himself and Murray doing voiceover. Is nothing sacred? Has he already forgotten just how atrocious Ghostbusters the Second was?

Unless Reitman directs, and Ramis and Aykroyd locked themselves in a Martha's Vineyard bomb shelter to write the script, and it's 1984 again, this will suck ass.

I'm crying on the inside.

Via AICN and CHUD, at the same time.

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Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Yes, I'm still hard for grindhouse

grindhouseTrailer

Official Site

P.S. Do you think the world will spontaneously implode if Scorsese doesn't win the Oscar this year?

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Thursday, January 04, 2007

Feast of my asshole, starring Dia-fucking-rrhea

Last week I watched a movie that was so bad, I still haven't gotten over it. Actually, that's a lie. I couldn't even watch the entire thing; I only made it through about 20 minutes or so before I had to shut the fucker off. It was without a doubt, the most atrocious thing I've ever laid eyes on. I speak of Feast. This was the first movie I have rented from Netflix that actually compelled me to leave a review for it. It is that fucking terrible.

As most of you probably know, I get an instant hard-on for horror-comedy. I fucking love it, in all its self-conscious, self-reflexive, witty glory. I think I've probably jerked off to Tremors, Evil Dead 2, The Blob, and Critters at least 30 times each in my lifetime. And the genre is far from dead - have you seen Slither yet? It's textbook. However, though Netflix and many of its civilian reviewers billed Feast as comedy horror in the strain of Shaun of the Dead, etc., it most certainly is not.

the worst movie ever madeWhat it is is pure, unadulterated ass-piss. The 20 minutes I saw was an endless series of cliches, all stitched together with miserably, miserably failed humor, totally devoid of any original content. Not only that, but I watched it when I was stoned, so I was hyper-perceptive of the high school one-act play level acting and the abyssmal production value.

That's right, it's not even entertaining when you're high.

I don't know why it angers me so much that this movie even exists, but it really makes me want to pull the heads off kittens. This is a week later, for fuck's sake, and I still find myself flashing back to the god-awful mess I witnessed after an innocent night of imbibing. I imagine this is the closest I will ever be in my life to being raped. I feel violated, and I'm afraid I may be scarred for life.

I want to get every last soul involved with the making of this abomination and force them to Clockwork Orange it in an old, abandoned theater for the rest of their lives. I want them to suffer the hell that they have created and unleashed upon the earth and mankind for the rest of their waking days.

Cock. Balls.

Read a more detailed (and more level-headed) approach to the suckitude here.

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Friday, December 08, 2006

Beerfest

Go get this movie. Now. Don't wait for Netflix. Go to Blockbuster, and on your way back home stop and pick up a twelve pack for yourself. One twelve pack per viewer. And consume it in its entirety before the movie is over.

I watched this alone last night, but during every peel of laughter (countless), I actually heard the laugh of Bass, or Giz, or Cody alongside my own. It was like the movie evoked the spirits of drinking past. Broken Lizard's best outing yet, by a landslide.

Did I mention I'm still drunk?

Beerfest changed my life.

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Tuesday, December 05, 2006

More listesesss - Christmas Edition

Being as it is now December and officially Advent, I no longer feel guilty about actually getting into the Christmas spirit. (The first-day-of-November crap we had this year was just a weeee bit much for me.) And there's no better way to set the mood then by watching a good ol' Christmas classic on the tube, err plasma.

Much akin to the Halloween extravaganza of a couple months ago, the Netflix queue has been re-aligned for a Holiday marathon. I'll spare you the daily reviews this go round, but you have to at least acknowledge the list. These are the ten greatest Christmas movies OF ALL TIME!

1. It's a Wonderful Life - Obligatory.
2. A Christmas Story - Our first Christmas without Darren McGavin :(
3. Christmas Vacation - The greatest of the Vacation series, by far, is also a perennial yuletide favorite.
4. Die Hard - "'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except for the four assholes coming in the rear in standard two-by-two cover formation!" Yes, Die Hard is most DEFINITELY a Christmas movie.
5. Home A-fucking-lone - Kevin!
6. The Nightmare Before Christmas - It's the Elfman soundtrack.
7. How the Grinch Stole Christmas - Chuck Jones, Boris Karloff, and Thurl Ravenscroft? Yes, please.
8. Miracle on 34th Street - The 1994 version is pretty solid, but the original is the best. Obviously.
9. Scrooged - Bill Murray doing Bill Murray, and doing it well.
10. A Christmas Carol - While you have several meritorious versions to choose from here, my favorite is the 1984 one starring George C. Scott. Greatness.

Honorable Mention: A Muppet Christmas Carol, Ernest Saves Christmas, EVERY SINGLE Rankin & Bass Christmas special ever made, A Charlie Brown Christmas, Gremlins.

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Thursday, November 30, 2006

Save your money for the children



Watch More

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Monday, November 13, 2006

A Third Fourth Reason to Live


this stopped my suicidal inclinations temporarily

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