I love these kinds of lists

In lieu of a post-lunch nap, today I took some time to peruse The 2007 edition of AskMen's Top 99 Most Desirable Women. To spare you the suspense, Beyonce is this year's winner. Sure she's hot, but the thought of Jay Z regularly making sausage out of her roast beef definitely makes her undesirable.

Here's my top 5, in no particular order:

Marissa Miller
Keeley Hazell
Scarlet Johannson
Alessandra Ambrosio
And the love of my life, Jessica Simpson

Very honorable mention, Kelly Brook.

More listesesss - Christmas Edition

Being as it is now December and officially Advent, I no longer feel guilty about actually getting into the Christmas spirit. (The first-day-of-November crap we had this year was just a weeee bit much for me.) And there's no better way to set the mood then by watching a good ol' Christmas classic on the tube, err plasma.

Much akin to the Halloween extravaganza of a couple months ago, the Netflix queue has been re-aligned for a Holiday marathon. I'll spare you the daily reviews this go round, but you have to at least acknowledge the list. These are the ten greatest Christmas movies OF ALL TIME!

1. It's a Wonderful Life - Obligatory.
2. A Christmas Story - Our first Christmas without Darren McGavin :(
3. Christmas Vacation - The greatest of the Vacation series, by far, is also a perennial yuletide favorite.
4. Die Hard - "'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except for the four assholes coming in the rear in standard two-by-two cover formation!" Yes, Die Hard is most DEFINITELY a Christmas movie.
5. Home A-fucking-lone - Kevin!
6. The Nightmare Before Christmas - It's the Elfman soundtrack.
7. How the Grinch Stole Christmas - Chuck Jones, Boris Karloff, and Thurl Ravenscroft? Yes, please.
8. Miracle on 34th Street - The 1994 version is pretty solid, but the original is the best. Obviously.
9. Scrooged - Bill Murray doing Bill Murray, and doing it well.
10. A Christmas Carol - While you have several meritorious versions to choose from here, my favorite is the 1984 one starring George C. Scott. Greatness.

Honorable Mention: A Muppet Christmas Carol, Ernest Saves Christmas, EVERY SINGLE Rankin & Bass Christmas special ever made, A Charlie Brown Christmas, Gremlins.

The Browsing Equivalent of Your Morning Piss

So, after the morning piss, the commute, the Windows logon screen, and the work e-mail, we all, invariably, go about reconnecting ourselves to the internet. Some people use RSS feeds, which I definitely need to tap into. Some configure Firefox to open with tabs for certain sites already up. Others with more time, such as me, just try to remember everything they want to look at and browse to the individual sites......individually. Anyways, with graduation and 6-7 months of blissful laziness ahead of me, I'm seeking to expand upon my daily browsing experience. Consider it having the time to jerk off in the shower every morning too. Marvelous. So, quid pro quo, fair readers, I give you my list of sites daily visited unabashedly in exchange for yours. Make me a better man.

1. The Triumvirate of Bland....duh
2. washingtonpost.com: I don't know why I chose the post, I guess I just wanted to differentiate myself from the CNN crowd here at work.
3. www.nationalreview.com: Seriously, the arguments are consistently more cogent than anything I have ever read at thenation.com or in Times op-eds.
4. www.pitchforkmedia.com: I'm a sucker for pretention....and music.
5. www.dictionary.com: Word of the Day w00t.
6. Lifehacker.com
7. Gizmodo.com
8. thesuperficial.com: yes, yes, celebrity gossip
9. A variety of on-line retailers and social networking sites: Further evidence that I'm an inveterate man-woman.

So....whatcha got?

When the light is green, the trap is clean

I was flickin' through the channels last night when something on Hannity & Colmes caught my eye. (An aside: The very thought of Hannity & Colmes makes me sick. Even just now, a little bit of puke came up. I swallowed it back down, though.) What made me stop and pay attention was this:

It's Green Card energy drink! It's marketed to Mexicans who are about to cross the border! Look closely at the tagline, and the logo. That's funny. Really.

The designer and marketer, Jeff Weiss, was on the show to promote it. H&C took the all too predictible line of affront and indignation, and pretty much spent 7 straight minutes railing the guy for everything from aiding and abetting, to exploitation, to supporting terror. But good ol' Jeffy took it all on the chin. And why whouldn't he? His product was getting free exposure - mission accomplished!

That this drink will be marketed to illegal immigrants is a total front. Pedro stops at 7-11 to buy a Green Card on his way to the border, much like Suzie buys a Starbucks on the way to work? Come on, the story's ludicrous. H&C are such fucking meatheads.

The truth is that the kiddies are a major constituent of energy drink consumers as a whole, and so contribute substantially to what is a multi-billion dollar a year industry. Drink companies have responded to this nugget of marketing research gold, and are now scrambling to generate teen-attractive product.

The problem is getting noticed in the wake of an explosion of new brand names; 500+ have been launched in 2006 alone. The effect has been a game of literally nominal oneupsmanship. Hence the existence such clever nomenclature as Cocaine, Crunk, Pimp Juice, Retard Strength(!), and now, Green Card. (Make sure you read the title of Retard Strength website. Great throwback!)

Of course, since the only way I'll drink an energy drink is if you drop a shot of booze into it first, all this means nothing to me, other than that I get to laugh at funny brand names and have something to post about for the day.

Day 13: In which I go out with a fizzle

No movie today, officially wrapping up the 13 Days of Terror or whatever the hell this special feature was called. The End.

I took Elliot trick or treating last night. The chamber of commerce got its businesses to sponsor booths in the park, so you basically just hopped from station to station getting handouts. We got some good loot. Elliot was Batman.

The milfs were out in force last night, as well, lugging around their spawn. Friendswood has pretty much one of the highest milf concentrations of anywhere that I've ever been. This phenomenon is easily explained by the fact that its median income is well above the state average. True, it's not quite the level of a Collin or Fort Bend county, but it's still sufficiently high enough to prove the old axiom, "Money begets hotness."

Places to go milf spotting:

• Target. Bonus points for this one, because it boasts a generous level of younger aged hotness, also.
• HEB. And Kroeger, to a certain extent, but HEB is the king. Because sustenance is a constant requisite of her spawn, the milf spends many an hour on weekly grocery shopping.
• Westwood Elementary School. At about 2:30 PM when school is letting out, there are hordes of them here, waiting to pick up their spawn. They're like a fleet of hot soccer moms in their pimped out SUVs.
• On the Street. When you're driving on the street, and you see a Suburban/Navigator/Excursion or other ridiculously oversized motor vehicle, there is a 98.3% chance that a milf is driving it. If you notice that it has a DVD player in it, the chances inrease to 100%. A milf's #2 status symbol is her vehicle. #1 are her spawn's wardrobes.

Pretty annoying

Remember last year when that 85 year old man tried to kick Ken's ass after the ULa-La game because he and Michelle and his brother "ruined the game for a lot of people" by standing up and cheering? Well this is the same thing, only different.

Tennessee fan Victoria Caldwell said she was speechless after receiving a call from the UT Athletic Department on Thursday. Fans seated near her in Neyland Stadium would have a hard time believing that. Caldwell, a first-time season ticket holder, said UT's Bill Higdon called her at home and said other fans had complained about her. Their complaint? She cheers too much.

After seeing the video evidence, it's fair to say that the fans seated around her had a point.

I wouldn't have snitched to the AD, mind you, but I don't think throwing an empty flask at the back of her head would've been totally out of the question.

There's a picture of her in the article, btw. On second thought, she's definitely fair game.

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The 13 Day Bender

Here's the movie list for my horror marathon. If my finger arithmetic serves me correctly, I'll need to start on Thursday to end on Halloween. Be on the lookout starting then.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Halloween
The Last House on the Left
The Exorcist
The Omen
The Shining
Friday the 13th
Bride of Frankenstein
Dracula
A Nightmare on Elm Street
Poltergeist
Pet Sematary
Suspiria

The whole thing is dependent each movie's availability on Netflix, and several of these are in demand right around now, so neither the order nor the list itself is set in stone. This means that I'm still taking suggestions, so feel free.

AIDS

So you know why I have been slacking in contributions lately, please review my daily routine for the past couple work weeks:

rise and shine and head to work
get swamped
attempt to throw myself out my 21st floor window
drive home
start drinking
hang out with the buddy
watch the astros
drink more
pass out

So basically, my thoughts haven't strayed an inch from baseball and work, and I don't really want to bore you with either.

I will fill your void on Monday, maybe.

Now, back to Austin to tear down the house.

Alright, way to go Donnie!

We went to Xtreme Super Bowling on Saturday night, where they turn out all the lights and let you bowl unlimited for like 15 bucks. The music pretty much sucked dick, but they had a real live bar. Score one for us.

Many a White Russian was consumed.

I guess the lunge position that your body naturally ends up in after you roll the ball eventually took its toll on my poor, un-exercised body. Even today my entire left leg from ass cheek to ankle feels tight and sore as hell.

Some of the things that are difficult to do in my current state of semi-immobilization:

Stand
Walk
Wipe my ass
Kneel (at church, not in the truck stop bathroom)
Pick up chicks

That's about it.

Hooray, bowling!

How I became a genius

Other than the obvious genetic factor, I've come up with five environmental agents from my small childhood that each contributed to the development of my now genius level intellect.

1. Eggs. Specifically, egg sandwiches. Sunny side up, on buttered white toast with mayonnaise, sliced American cheese, and liberal doses of salt and pepper. From ages 2-17, I probably consumed thousands of these. I'm not sure exactly how it worked, but somehow the massive, sustained protein intake worked like some kind of wonderful on my brainpower.

2. Sweet Pickles. And not just the books. I'm talking about the activity cards that came in their own little plastic carrying bus. And a plethora of activities there were - from alphabet stuff, to numbers and counting, arts and crafts, finger puppets, and experiments, Sweet Pickles covered it all. Good investment, Mom.
3. Sesame Street. A steady, daily diet. Learning to recognize the guest stars also added to a general pop culture basis of knowledge.
4. The encyclopedia set. Collier's. Also a good investment, although I think this one was Pop's. When I was a kid I can remember browsing the encyclopedia for hours on end. I'd start on a subject, read the article, and then follow up with whatever it told me to "See also..." In this way, I gave our 24 volume set some major mileage. (This is really interesting because even to this day I still do the exact same thing, for hours on end, only via the internet. Ah, progress...)
5. Equal parts Television and Reading time. Ass-loads of both. Obviously.

And that about does it. So now you know what you need to do to produce a genius child in my mold.

Or, if you're a hot chick, I'll just impregnate you and we can call it even.

This is disturbing, or amusing, or both

Here are the things on which I am willing to expend valuable thought power:

• Deciding which book to read next
• Deciding which movie to watch next
• Deciding which sports Elliot will play when he is older
• Figuring out the best way to skip out of work early without getting caught
• Debating whether or not I would bang Chick X
• Synthesizing history

It disturbs me that people like these exist, and that they are willing to expend their valuable thought power on taking themselves seriously.