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Now, everyone say a prayer that it won't be long until Stokke takes her turn...

Hotness

Star Wars quietly turned 30 last week (at least it seemed quiet by media coverage standards). All week long, the fanboy internet experienced a collective circle jerk (I was stuck between a fat, balding thirty-five year old who lives with his mother, and Kevin Smith), the climax of which was Olivia Munn donning slave-girl Leia garb for a very special episode of Attack of the Show.

Good grief, she is fit. Her Wonder Woman always did a little something for me, but holy bejeezus. Nerdgasm, indeed.

Full gallery.

The infamous wheelchair scene

Classic.

Also, if you've got a solid stomach, try watching this. Rosie vs. Elisabeth, Part 87.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck is hot. I mean fucking HOTT. And she wins. And Rosie is a cunt. So is the red haired lady.

A game to play if you're bored and/or a super lame-ass

I am consistently both.

Now, this may not be as cool as a million dollar geography riddle, but it is a good way to kill a lot of time. Jason and I play this at work about once a week. You really need two players to play for score and to make it competitive, but you can always play alone just to test yourself or to practice.

One player picks a school and a womens' sport. For example, soccer at Michigan State (random). Now go to the MSU athletics website, find the womens' soccer page, and then the roster listing. So far so good.

The player who didn't pick the school/sport gets to go first. Based solely on the general information listed on the roster page (name, class, high school, etc.), he must choose the girl that he thinks will be the hottest. The other player then makes his selection.

In our example, I would choose Player #2 (I'm not typing in full names in case these people ever decide to Google themselves.) She's got a good Irish name, and we all know there's always potential in that. Jason would probably pick #25. He likes Laurens, which are also a safe bet.

Finally, you are ready to click to find out which one is actually hotter!

#2/#25:


In this case, I think mine would win, which means that I would get the point. Continue in this fashion (alternating roles every round) until one player scores a predetermined number of points, and wins the game!

Because tastes differ so, you've got to come to some sort of Gentleman's agreement about acknowledging each other's victories. Sometimes you have to be willing to concede that in general your opponent's choice would be considered more attractive than the one you picked, even though she may not necessarily be your kind of girl. On other words, be reasonable.

You can see where this can get nuanced. Statistically, you're giving both you and your opponent a better shot at picking out hotness by choosing, say, Longhorn volleyball over, I don't know, Providence field hockey. There's just more hot ones to pick from overall.

Other strategies I've developed:

-Never choose a goalkeeper, it's a guaranteed loss.

-The best sport for choosing a non-American is tennis. Even then, I would only choose one every five times or so. Those Eastern Europeans are a big time gamble.

-Always give slight preference for those who went to private school. Remember the maxim, "Money breeds hotness."

Have fun.

A convenient truth

Begine with the truism:

A guy is only friends with girls he wants to bang, or

Friendship with Girl --> Desire to Bang Girl (A)

From (A) we deduce that:

A guy is never friends with a girl he wouldn't bang, or

~Desire to Bang Girl --> ~Friendship with Girl (B)

Clearly, (B) is also a true statement, as it is the contrapositive of (A).

The following statement is more difficult to ascertain as self-evident:

If a guy is not friends with a girl, he wouldn't bang her, or

~Friendship with Girl --> ~Desire to Bang Girl (C)

Maintaining (A) as true, (C) sounds like it could hold up as well. However, to assume so would be logical fallacy. In fact, (C) is the negation of (A), and so axiomatically cannot be true.

Now, even though we know that (C) is definitively false, it's sometimes fun to provide counterexamples to help us understand why this is so. It only takes one counterexample to disprove an argument. A counterexample to (C) would be Marisa Miller: I am not friends with Marisa Miller, but I definitely have a desire to bang her brains out.

On a personal note, I am friends with A LOT of girls.

Thus ends the lesson.

I love these kinds of lists

In lieu of a post-lunch nap, today I took some time to peruse The 2007 edition of AskMen's Top 99 Most Desirable Women. To spare you the suspense, Beyonce is this year's winner. Sure she's hot, but the thought of Jay Z regularly making sausage out of her roast beef definitely makes her undesirable.

Here's my top 5, in no particular order:

Marissa Miller
Keeley Hazell
Scarlet Johannson
Alessandra Ambrosio
And the love of my life, Jessica Simpson

Very honorable mention, Kelly Brook.

Quite possibly the greatest thing of all time...

Go to TVGasm for the back story, or go straight to the Conan-produced goofest that is HornyManatee.com. Check both the "Tour" and "Fan Art" for the goods.

God bless the U.S.A.

Day 13: In which I go out with a fizzle

No movie today, officially wrapping up the 13 Days of Terror or whatever the hell this special feature was called. The End.

I took Elliot trick or treating last night. The chamber of commerce got its businesses to sponsor booths in the park, so you basically just hopped from station to station getting handouts. We got some good loot. Elliot was Batman.

The milfs were out in force last night, as well, lugging around their spawn. Friendswood has pretty much one of the highest milf concentrations of anywhere that I've ever been. This phenomenon is easily explained by the fact that its median income is well above the state average. True, it's not quite the level of a Collin or Fort Bend county, but it's still sufficiently high enough to prove the old axiom, "Money begets hotness."

Places to go milf spotting:

• Target. Bonus points for this one, because it boasts a generous level of younger aged hotness, also.
• HEB. And Kroeger, to a certain extent, but HEB is the king. Because sustenance is a constant requisite of her spawn, the milf spends many an hour on weekly grocery shopping.
• Westwood Elementary School. At about 2:30 PM when school is letting out, there are hordes of them here, waiting to pick up their spawn. They're like a fleet of hot soccer moms in their pimped out SUVs.
• On the Street. When you're driving on the street, and you see a Suburban/Navigator/Excursion or other ridiculously oversized motor vehicle, there is a 98.3% chance that a milf is driving it. If you notice that it has a DVD player in it, the chances inrease to 100%. A milf's #2 status symbol is her vehicle. #1 are her spawn's wardrobes.

Daddy likey

Belinda Bedekovic. Look for her in the Borat movie.

A brief post

Check it, I come out of a hiatus and post about something cool as shit. Are american music audiences finally getting on board with something remotely cool or different? Is Pitchfork winning? My answer is yes. Yesterday, on TRL, our favorite rapping chav white british "midgit" hit #1 on TRL, making her the first British artist to reach number 1 on TRL. She did it for her song "Love Me or Hate Me." This isn't her best song, but it could be a sign that people are starting to listen to different shit. In her random honor, I have changed the video of the week early, apologies to the Scissor Sisters.

A puzzle

For years I've been trying to figure out what name has the highest percentage of hot chicks attached to it. In my research, I've been able to come up with a few finalists: Lauren, Ashley, Megan.

But what do you think, are there any other possible candidates?

The one

A while back I asked Giz who the hottest woman in the world is. I wanted to know so that I could put a picture of her over there with Wesley on the sidebar. We never came to a consensus, but I'm settling it right now:

Marisa Miller

I don't think I've lusted over a woman more intensely than I have over her.

She will soon take her place of honor.

Fuck

It's Friday afternoon. The kid's taking a nap, so I decide to catch up on a little reading. Inevitably, I fall right the fuck asleep.

No complaints though, because I have what may be one of the best dreams I've ever had. (Quick aside: why are nap dreams always so vivid and awesome?) Here's the way it played out -

I was working late, when I suddenly realized that I left a Netflix in the (fictional) DVD player up on 22. I run up to grab it. The hallways and everything are really dark. When I make it up to the (also fictional) lounge area on 22, there is a cleaning lady there.

Now, when I say cleaning lady, I mean a smoking ass hot, 20-something Mexican chick. We talk for a little while, and it occurs to me that this chick is totally down for getting crushed. Onto the love seat we move, and off my pants go, when I hear someone clear their throat behind me.

Who could it be but the MILF of all MILFs that works on 24. In the dream she was playing the role of some sort of matronly figure. For you see, she was accompanied by around 20 other hot young chicks, and no fewer than 3 sets of twins. She made the comment that no one moves on her girls without her permission.

At this, they all started to dance. Did I mention that these girls were all wearing halter tops and spandex ass shorts? She told me that most of them worked as strippers as well. I replied that I could see that. Several of them made the patented stripper eye contact with me, and proceeded to advance toward me.

It was at this moment in time that I realized that I was in the place I want to be when I die - a room full of women who not only get paid to get naked and rub me down, but to clean up after me as well.

It was also at this moment in time that my cell phone rang. It was my boss, with a question about some questionable volumes on the July reforecast.

Fuck.

Happy World Cupping, and drinking, this weekend.