Deuce Discussion #3: If You Can’t Comprehend It, It’s Probably Bad

Today, Arfeo shares with us the joys of finding a new place to park your shit.

My fiancé and I recently went apartment hunting, and I learned a lot of valuable lessons in the process. Perhaps the most important lesson I learned was that if an apartment description contained a statement that you could not even comprehend, it is always, ALWAYS a bad thing.

For example, one apartment stated that there were windows, however no view. It also stated that since it was on one of the top floors, it would still receive sunlight. How, dear lord, could you have a window with no light and no view? Simple, if your window faces directly into a ginormous brick wall. The description of this bat cave couldn’t have been more ominously confusing if it had included “not responsible for any destruction caused by Joker or Penguin.”

In viewing a condominium, the real estate agent commented shortly before we entered the room that “I think we can paint over the aroma”. Again, my mind was at a loss to comprehend this cryptic statement. Confusion was quickly dispelled when the first scent that sodomized my nostrils was that of the Vietnamese family of 8 that had apparently been caged in this condominium for the last twenty years. The place reeked of pan-Asian cooking and managed to make me hungry and nauseous at the same time. The description might as well have read “two bedrooms, one bath, moo shoo pork.”

The last mind boggling description came with an apartment that purported to include all indispensable features such as washer dryer, two car garage and alarms. Wait, hold on, when did alarms become indispensable? Ohhhh I see, when you live in the middle of Beirut. This apartment was surrounded by more bad hombres than Alamo circa 1836, and they all looked like they were in the mood to pack my stool. No thank you.

Until real estate agents become honest enough to say “total eclipse”, “smells chinky” or “Allen Iversonish”, then my suggestion to everyone is to stay away from any descriptions that seem conspicuously ambiguous.