Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Top 20 Turn-ons (or at least the first twenty I could think of)

As hinted at yesterday... I am totally stealing this idea from Angel.

I won't lie: I love attractive women. The muscles in my neck are probably the most stretched of any in my body. Getting a good look at a hot woman is often the apex of my day. So, what are some things that turn me on about a chick? Let's see...

  1. Boobies. Boobies. Boobies. I fucking love boobies. This is always, without fail, the first thing I notice about any chick. It even dictates whether or not I continue checking her out. No boobies, no dice. Oh yeah, and they have to be real. Sure, the B and C cups have their merits, but nothing is hotter than a pair of soft, floppy Tiggo Bitties. D's or DD's. You know, the kind you can stick your face in and feel like you're in the safest place on Earth. Ma-ma...
  2. Married women/Single MILFs. I lump these into the same lot, because they share a common attractive feature. You know they put out. Even if they've been sexually repressed for years as a result of busy single motherhood, or a shitty marriage - all the hotter. They're desperate for some action from a young, twenty-something like myself.
  3. Older women. Oh, the experience they possess, and the things they could teach us. We should all be so lucky as to bag at least one of these, at some point in our careers.
  4. Younger women. Of course, for me, this entails any from the age of 16-21. By God.
  5. Fucking smokin' hot as hell, snotty, rich, stuck-up bitches, who have never had to work for any of their money or material possessions in their life, and who think the world revolves around them. These girls hold a special place in my heart. You will probably recognize them by their preferred nomenclature, "sorority girls at UT." I fucking love these chicks. Seriously. I don't care if they're all devoid of personality and all wear the same exact clothes. I love them, and their herd mentality! Biggest turn-on, by far.
  6. Complete apathy toward sports. Let's be honest - unless her name is Linda Cohn, you probably wouldn't want to have any sports-related discussion with any broad. When it comes to talking sports, chicks suck. Nothing is a bigger turn-off than listening to a sorry attempt at off-the-cuff analysis by a member of the fairer species. They're much hotter when they just to go to the game, sit there, and look good.
  7. Curly hair. Yowza.
  8. Red hair. Fire-crotch. Cha-ching.
  9. Curly, red hair. Double whammy of goodness.
  10. Jewish chicks. This may only be a turn-on to me because of the whole mystery factor, but it definitely makes the list. One of God's chosen people - also one of my few remaining conquests... I will say this: there is a definite hotness to their bitchiness.
  11. A big ass. I like big butts, and I cannot lie. One that you know that after you slap it, you're gonna get some good waves. Actually, following up on that....
  12. ...Meat on the bones. Really skinny bitches are kinda nasty. I like 'em a little thick, and I like 'em just a little bit squishy. Or as I like to say, they gotta have that sweet, sweet lovin'.
  13. Fashion sense. True, I have none. Does this make me a hypocrite? Of course. Still, chicks have one job: to look as hot as possible. Failure to complete this task is inexcusable. No scrubs allowed. Besides, an ass always looks better in $200 jeans.
  14. Some semblance of intellect. Now, I've yet to find a woman who can engage in totally enthralling conversation about anything substantial, but it's always a bit of a turn-on when you find one that can at least volley a bit. Note that I am definitely not talking about liberal arts chicks who think they understand the fucking meaning of life because they've read a couple classics or taken a philosophy class or two. These make me yak. Rather, the hottest are those that balance their intelligence with humility and a truly open mind.
  15. Accents. A few get my juices flowing. Obviously, a good ol' Texas accent takes the cake. SO-ho-ho hot. Others that I dig: Mexican, Georgia, Scottish.
  16. Glasses. Only on certain women, but it definitely counts as a turn-on. Thick-rimmed? Yes, please. They are oh so cute.
  17. Your friends' sisters. I think it's the whole "forbidden fruit" thing that makes them so desirable, but I'll be damned if even the ugliest of chicks isn't ranked a little higher just because, come on, she's your buddy's sister! Think Fast Times at Ridgmont High. Jennifer Jason Leigh... kind of a "butta face." But she was Judge Reinhold's sister! Hot!
  18. Not being a Democrat. Nothing is a quicker crush killer than realizing the chick you've had your eye on has a bleeding fucking heart. Oh my Lord, cry me another river about the sad state of affairs in the world, would you please? Do you see this? It's the world's smallest violin playing the world's saddest song. Go kill some more babies or something and get out of my face. Give me my sweet, little, naively conservative girl back. She's so cute and happy!
  19. Being cultured. Music, art, architecture, fine dining, wine, film, literature. An attractive woman should at least feign interest in the aesthetic backbone of civilization.
  20. And the obligatory number 20: SHAVED, SHAVED, SHAVED.

There you have it. The not quite so end-all list. Now, let's hear yours.

P.S. I should probably give you a picture of the chick that turns me on the mostest as of late. Enjoy.


At 10:01 AM, December 06, 2005, Anonymous bass said...

#21 straight from iraq, is chicks who show ankle on the first date.

At 10:13 AM, December 06, 2005, Blogger angel, jr. said...

I am also turned on by the snotty chicks--the girls who wear pearls with their jeans, the ones who can turn a college sweatshirt into fashion runway material. Something about their soft curved pouty lips that glisten with the desire for just a little more.
Not to mention, they smell amazing!!!!

At 10:22 AM, December 06, 2005, Blogger T. Leach said...

You are so money, my man. So money. I'm a shaved, ass-man, myself. (sounds wrong together like that) It really is all about the A, baby. And what is it about redheads? Thay can't be too pasty and freckly though. Oh, fuck it. Yes, they can.

At 11:41 AM, December 06, 2005, Blogger mrshife said...

Is that Ashlee? Oh Vince, say it isn't so.
Redheads, you gotta love em. I am always reminded of a quote from "About Last Night."
You know what the problem with redheads is, lack of pigmentation.
And here is another great one,
Joan: So what do you do for a living?
Bernie: I'm a prizefighter. Do you know much about boxing?
Joan: No...
Bernie: I'm the heavyweight champion of the world
It is a great movie.

At 1:16 PM, December 06, 2005, Blogger Vince said...

Bass - you maintain. This brings Christmas joy to my heart.

Angel - Hell yes, they smell amazing. That might be the hottest part...

Leach - Here's what it is about redheads: they are bangin'.

Shife - I know she's on your short list of people to disembowel, but I really want to put my penis inside her. Just for a second.

At 7:11 PM, December 06, 2005, Anonymous Audra said...

Oh Vincent, I'm so glad I'm not dating you anymore.

And since WHEN do you like curley hair? I seem to remember giving myself a perm around prom time, just to get you to cut your nasty hair off.

Did you see that episode of South Park where they tried to rid the world of all redheads? They called them Gingers....have a case of "Gingervitis." It was a good one.

At 11:09 PM, December 06, 2005, Blogger coloradohurricane said...

thank God none of my ex's know I have a blog.

she is a hottie though.

At 12:02 AM, December 07, 2005, Anonymous audra said...

ex, schmex. that was a long, long time ago, in a land far, far away.

At 12:03 AM, December 07, 2005, Anonymous audra said...

muchos gracias, coloradohurricane

At 12:25 AM, December 07, 2005, Anonymous Arun said...

Vince, that was a truly great ode to all the we love about women, except the whole thing was nullified by Ashlee Simpson. Every day I see 38 chicks I would rather bone. And while I would rather sleep with her than say...Richard, it's not by that wide a margin. I mean, I know jews still get you, but just because she has the "jew nose" doesnt mean she's jewish.

At 12:27 AM, December 07, 2005, Anonymous Arun said...

sorry to comment again, but I cant get over that. There are actually hobo's on the drag that I would sleep with before Ashlee Simpson (ask Duckie about the "Icehouse chick" for more info)

At 7:49 AM, December 07, 2005, Blogger Vince said...

Ashlee Simpson is the hottest thing out there, besides her older sister. Just look at her. Watch her on TV. She is irresistable.

At 7:07 AM, December 08, 2005, Anonymous Troy said...

Vince wins on this one:


At 7:37 AM, December 08, 2005, Blogger Vince said...

Way to be, Troy.

And thanks for the spank material.


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