Deuce Discussion #5: Swalloween

Arfeo plays dress up.

No, that’s not what I mean. I love Halloween. It’s the only holiday where you can swallow your toxic-dye-soaked Mr. Miyagi mustache and keep rocking like its 1999. I dressed up as a Mormon, Mr. Miyagi and the guy from Memento this Halloween and I must pat myself (not on the crotch this time) for how well it went off. My Miyagi was so good that one of my best friends drove by me and admitted thinking to himself “what a crazy old Asian bastard.”

Another reason to love Halloween, it’s the only holiday where you are to be commended for instigating ethnic slurs. I also love it because it’s the only time where you can stand there wearing a diaper and a baby bib, watch some hotshot walk by in a designer suit and comment, “douche bag”. Seriously, who goes to a Halloween party without getting dressed?

The only thing I don’t love about it is how belligerently drunk some people get at parties. I was at a bar and a girl began butting in front of everyone saying “I’m a girl, let me through.” I wouldn’t let her through and she began raising a fuss behind me that I tried to ignore, but I could tell she was annoying not only me, but everyone at the bar. Finally she called me a little bitch for not letting her through so I turned around, pointed to my ear like I couldn’t understand her and said “I’m sorry, I don’t speak cunt”. She tried to get her boyfriend to raise a fuss but Miyagi was with Daniel san and about twenty cobra kai.

Speaking of which, mad props to the cobra kai this weekend. They all spent five hours (home from work) getting the exact costume down to every yellow stripe and emblem. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as paper you could iron onto fabrics. That’s the beauty of Halloween though isn’t it? We all turn five again and get into the costume thing. I just wish my costume didn’t entail silver hair spray on my mustache that caused me to hallucinate halfway through the night. Oh well, I hope my good memories weren’t just figments of my hallucination, and I hope everyone had a good experience too.

Shifting to serious mode....

What name has the highest percentage of hot chicks attached to it?

I know there is one big one out there that I'm missing, but I'm thinking maybe Lauren or Lindsay.

I need your input, this is going to drive me insane.

Don't Call It a Comeback

OK, after much much delay, the return is here. I don't have the time for a real post now, but I assure, they are on the way. I just got internet up today, after 28 days, isn't that the same amount of time as a rehab clinic? They say rome wasn't built in a day, and to prove this, I will just put up a couple of pics of my new mansion here in the nyc. I will be moving again soon, into Brooklyn, so the internet may go out again. Drool over these!

I this is where I play free cell and listen to music!

This is where I read, and read, and read, because all is does here is rain, and rain, and rain.

do you see that black mat? yes. that is my bed. ENVY ME!!!

So its bound to get better, right? Seriously. It is awesome here, and all of you are welcome to visit, I am just holding off on getting furniture until I move...again. I swear, a real post is on the way.

The truth

Inspired by Sheryl Swoopes and now Mr. Sulu, I have decided that my time has come. This is my formal "coming out." I am gay.

Richard, those times I grabbed your ass - let's just just say it was motivated by something a little more carnal than the fraternal bond. Frankie, all those times I got hammered and took off my pants - I was waiting for you to make the first move. Everyone else, the rampant gay jokes - they were forced, and made in denial.

Hey Arun, I need you to send me your NAMBLA business card.

Soon I will announce my first man-crush as a practicing homosexual. Any guesses?

Oh, by the by, I'd like to play receiver the first couple of years. I've needed a good colon flush for a while now anyway. This is going to be awesome.

All over but the cryin'

Next year, Astros... Thanks for a great season.

The White Sox really are an unbelievable team, and I'm happy for them. Fuck their shitty fans, but congrats to the players and the coaches.

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This is COMPLETELY random, but I've always wanted to hook up with a Jewish chick. It's been on my mind the past couple of days and I can't stop thinking about it. How cool would it be to fornicate with one of God's chosen people? Very cool, I would bet.

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It's the NES's 20th birthday! Mine's still plugged in, and even if I only actually turn it on 6 or 8 times a year, it's still a staple of any decent entertainment center in my book. A couple years ago, Gamespy ran an awesome series on the history of the Famicom. Now 1UP is covering its American incarnation, the NES. Check them both out. It's pretty cool to learn about the happenings whose end result was a generation defining product - and a helluva badass one at that.

The Story of My Life

This morning I was thinking about a humorous story from my childhood. Upon further reflection, I realized that it is a microcosm of my entire life.

Flash back to fourth grade. I'm deer hunting with my pops. After a long morning, we had yet to find a clean shot. Around 8 or 9 we called it quits and packed up. As we hiked back to the truck, the unthinkable happened: the miracle doe magically appeared. I'm talking, she walked into the road right in front of us, stopped broadside, and gave us the stare.

Pop nudged me to take the shot. "Holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit," my little fourth grade mind ran. Not to brag, but I'm a pretty decent shot with a .30-30, and at 40 yards this one was a gimme. I took aim. My heart was racing in anticipation for the kill. One deep breath for the nerves.... One deep breath to steady the aim.... One deep breath and hold.... and squeeze the trigger.

Click.

Fucking safety was on.

Away she pranced.

The story of my life.

WTF

I guess I just don't get it.

I hate to start now, but I'm really beginning to question some of Garner's managerial decisions.

First and Third, no outs. Taveras, the best bunter on the team, at the plate. How do you not squeeze the run? You're down 0-2, the time to be aggressive is now.

Oh well, there's always next season.

Deuce Discussion #4: Apparently, Family Friendly = Borderline Suicidal

Today, Arfeo breaks the mold. Break, Arfeo. Break.

Suicide rates skyrocket, unhappiness abounds even amongst affluent young professionals that seemingly have the world as their collective cabana boys, and we are in a society that is increasingly finding its creativity and love of life to be a subordinated interest. We all know the path we are supposed to live: child, young party-loving adult, and family oriented adult. Apparently, the paradigm of the family oriented adult (our eventual resting place) in our society involves sucking….a lot.

In its new poll, the parent television council included in its list of worst shows for families: The War at Home, Family Guy, American Dad, That 70’s Show and Arrested Development. Included in the list of best shows for the family: American Idol, Extreme Makeover, and Three Wishes.

What I have gathered from this is that our society believes that a responsible family-oriented adult must abandon humor and creativity for a lemming-like adherence to trite commercialism. Forgive me if I don’t wish to be lobotomized simply because I reached the age of 27. I intend to drink my beer and laugh as Peter Griffin makes self deprecating jokes about his diminutive penis, long after the rest of you have dawned Martha Stewart gardening gloves and begun viewing sex as an annual event.

For those of you that are whispering under your breath “this idiot just doesn’t ever want a family”, I am engaged and I do hope to have little copies of Shelby (not myself, for their sakes) some day. However, when I do, they will be allowed to watch the Simpsons and like shows so that when they finally get in situations that require an understanding of witty, sometimes bold sometimes subtle humor, that they will not sit idly blinking like moronic automatons. The real world is not a Disney movie, and if we don’t appreciate it for what it is, we will miss out on most of life.

Don't stop believing....

If I hear that fucking gay-ass Journey song again, I'll probably kill myself.

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Time for politics. I know that I initially gave my (meaningless) support for the Miers nomination, citing what I guessed was Bush's conscious effort to avoid another public failure. Now, after a couple more weeks of reading and digesting, I believe that this nomination was ill-advised. Apparently, there are murmurings that the administration may be ready to concede the same.

Of course, if you accept the framing of a story like that, you would get the impression that the Bush staff is simply looking to sidestep what would be a massacre in the hearings process. I don't buy it.

What needs to be stated first and foremost and taken as an irrefutable premise is that this empty seat is about Roe v. Wade. Period. There can be no argument about that. I prematurely labelled as brilliant Bush's foresight to nominate someone without a paper trail. How could the Dems turn down a nominee who was effectively innocuous? The plan was great until the unfathomable (to Bush) occurred: he never expected the overwhelmingly negative backlash from the pro-life population.

As I stated before, pro-lifers won the last two elections for him. I stand by that. In return, they expected him to nominate a judge that would be rational enough to overturn Roe, unquestionably one of the worst decisions on record from our nation's highest court. (It is "not constitutional law and gives almost no sense of an obligation to try to be," and as a constitutional interpretation, it "is virtually impossible to defend.")

Bush might know a lot about Miers that we don't, but that is not a good thing in the eyes of the pro-life populace. The war to take back the courts has been waged for decades now. Equal parts strategy, patience, and prayer have brought us this close to finally ending legalized genocide. For Bush to effectively take matters into his own hands and say "trust me," it's no wonder that those who have fought tooth and nail for so long are in more than a bit of an uproar. They expect the absolute best, most qualified nomination, and Miers, obviously, is not that.

If her nomination isn't withdrawn (and I don't think it will be), I don't think Miers survives the hearings. And that's not a bad thing.

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My "ashamed to call myself a Horns fan" anecdote of the weekend:

So there we were, the second half just underway. Two stumbling drunk broads find their way into our section and start throwing ice at a guy they know a couple rows down. Well, they tried to, at least. In reality, they kept missing wide right and nailing some other dude's girlfriend. Eventually, he turns around and gives them the "Hey tramp, fuck off" spiel.

I was engrossed, to say the least.

It was at this point that I heard the roar from the crowd, and before I could even find the ball on the field, Ol' Smokey went bang and the touchdown was recorded. Yeah, it was Pittman's 75 yard TD reception, only the longest of the season.

Damn my affinity for drunken drama.

The card says moops

I don't blame the ump for the blown call, I don't blame Garner for not bringing out Lidge in the seventh. I do blame the bullpen. Five earned in 3 innings. Four of them a Grand Slam, one of them a walk-off HR. Unacceptable. That is the definition of meltdown. Whatever greatness they have achieved up to this point is but a fleeting memory in the face of last night's debacle.

Wheeler, Qualls, Lidge - you know I'll usually do anything to slob on your nuts, but right now the smell of unwashed choad is a little too overpowering. You better turn it up for the home stretch.

Oh yeah!

My blog is worth $564.54.
How much is your blog worth?

Let's network out, bitches. Lifehacker is worth over a million.

History Lesson

First, I am pleased to inform you all that I have spoken with both Richard and Giz this week, and they are alive and well. I was beginning to worry...

I get asked a lot (not really) how we came up with "The Triumvirate of Bland." Truth be known, we didn't invent the name, the Travesty did. You can see it in its first incarnation here, in the March 2003 edition. There's always plenty of other hilarity in the Travesty, so you non-Texas guys who have never read it should definitely check it out. I'm so happy they finally decided to make "Jesus is..." t-shirts:

Total greatness!

One of the chicks I work with just got an email from MLB. Tickets for the World Series are sold in a lottery form. If your number is picked, you get a chance to buy. Her number was picked. Wtf? Dear God, I love you, too. Love, Vince.

I'm going with a weekend split with Chicago this weekend. The starters match up almost dead even, but I think you have to give the 'stros the bullpen advantage. Qualls and Lidge will absolutely shut down the Sox in the 7-9. Look for more Soggy Burrito style small ball, and Scrap Iron to move his runners up any chance he gets. The Astros will play lights out, but Chicago's got enough momentum - even after a week off - to get at least ONE at home.

I'm sticking with my previous prediction for the Texas game. I think the +15.5 line for Tech is absolutely INSANE. Tech has EVERYTHING to play for in this game. They're shooting for the Rose Bowl just as much as we are at this point. Two years ago, Chance Mock came off the bench cold late in the fourth and orchestrated the unbelievable 2 minute, 86 yard drive to give us the 43-40 win. I think this year we'll get another thrilling ending, capped by a 45 yard field goal by Pino to give us the 48-45 W. It's gonna be a good one.

Oh yeah, I found a ticket. Student section even. The weather is going to be amazing. The flask will be in full force. This is what October is all about.

Texas fight.

Deuce Discussion #3: If You Can’t Comprehend It, It’s Probably Bad

Today, Arfeo shares with us the joys of finding a new place to park your shit.

My fiancé and I recently went apartment hunting, and I learned a lot of valuable lessons in the process. Perhaps the most important lesson I learned was that if an apartment description contained a statement that you could not even comprehend, it is always, ALWAYS a bad thing.

For example, one apartment stated that there were windows, however no view. It also stated that since it was on one of the top floors, it would still receive sunlight. How, dear lord, could you have a window with no light and no view? Simple, if your window faces directly into a ginormous brick wall. The description of this bat cave couldn’t have been more ominously confusing if it had included “not responsible for any destruction caused by Joker or Penguin.”

In viewing a condominium, the real estate agent commented shortly before we entered the room that “I think we can paint over the aroma”. Again, my mind was at a loss to comprehend this cryptic statement. Confusion was quickly dispelled when the first scent that sodomized my nostrils was that of the Vietnamese family of 8 that had apparently been caged in this condominium for the last twenty years. The place reeked of pan-Asian cooking and managed to make me hungry and nauseous at the same time. The description might as well have read “two bedrooms, one bath, moo shoo pork.”

The last mind boggling description came with an apartment that purported to include all indispensable features such as washer dryer, two car garage and alarms. Wait, hold on, when did alarms become indispensable? Ohhhh I see, when you live in the middle of Beirut. This apartment was surrounded by more bad hombres than Alamo circa 1836, and they all looked like they were in the mood to pack my stool. No thank you.

Until real estate agents become honest enough to say “total eclipse”, “smells chinky” or “Allen Iversonish”, then my suggestion to everyone is to stay away from any descriptions that seem conspicuously ambiguous.

Houston, we have a Pennant

"They're gonna celebrate? You bet they are!"

Another jumble of crap you probably don't care about: Wednesday Edition

We have been vindicated.

I am using my self-appointed authority to command you all to join the facebook. Especially you guys who sit in class or at work all day and do not nothing but surf around. Which is pretty much all of you. Why haven't you joined a year ago?? Do it now! And then add me as a friend. I need a public record of my social aptitude to feel good about myself.

Non-sequitur link, Part 1: my first real contribution to the fraternity as an alumnus will be in the form of the UBERTAP. A little bit of pee comes out every time I look at it.


There's a chick that rides the bus at the same time I do that I recently had to ugliminate. She had potential there for awhile, but she wore hose one day, and she was off the list.

This raises an interesting point. Some hose is okay. I've actually seen a couple chicks that pulled off looking good in black hose or something really sheer. It's a rarity, to be sure, but definitely observable in the wild. Far more prevalent is the decent looking middle aged woman who fails the tail end of a top-down check. This is always a disappointment.

You know the story: she looks good, looks good, looks good, OH MY LORD WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING ON YOUR LEGS?!? Those fucking hideous, opaque, vomit beige colored things... they send shivers down my spine. I'd rather look at your pasty whites than have my penis shrivel up and die the moment I spot your legs looking like elongated potatoes. You can't help but keep checking her out, but you do it with that cringed look on your face. You know, the same one you have while you watch Faces of Death or something like that. It hurts to watch, but you just can't turn away.

Equally awful, but probably more laughable than anything else, are capri pants. They're pretty self-explanatory, but I venture to say that if I ever caught a chick under the age of 25 wearing them, she would be ugliminated in a heartbeat.

And that's enough women's fashion talk for one year.

Non-sequitur link, Part 2: this one's for you, Richard.

On to more important things, like sports. After Roy-O wins tonight's game, he HAS to be considered the MVP of the series. He often gets buried under the weight of the "Clemens" and "Pettitte" names, but the claim that he is the strongest of the three at this point in time is almost indisputable. The worst part about him closing out this series is that the rotation for the World Series will be all kinds of fucked up, but what can you do?

I rubbed my (not-so crystal) balls this morning, and the magic numbers are as follows: tonight, a 3-2 win for the Astros. Saturday, a 48-45 win for the Horns. Which reminds me, I NEED A TICKET FOR THE GAME. Someone do me a favor and haze a pledge into finding me one, student section always preferred. Please?

Non-sequitur link, Part Last: this one's really funny.

Did you sign up for the facebook yet??

Good gravy, I need to get to work.

Heartbreak in H-Town

It's still hard to tell who swung harder: Pujols or the momentum.


I'd really like to know who was calling the pitches in the top of the ninth. In what bizarro world do you decide to give Edmonds four unhittables inside, then smear one across the meat of the plate for the best hitter in the series? Mistake of mistakes... It is always infinitely better for us for Edmonds to make contact than for Pujols to do the same.

I bet Lights-out Lidge would give ANYTHING to have that hanging slider back.

Anyway, enough fretting. This is deja vu, but the Roy-O/Mulder matchup is way more in our favor than the Pettitte/Carpenter one ever was. Oswalt was a Red Bird killer last week, and there are no signs that Thursday will be any different.

And just to make sure it doesn't get lost in the shuffle, let's hear it for Bigg. He's still clutch, after all these years.

Let's go Astros, clap clap clapclapclap.

You are the ones who are the ball-lickers

• For a few fleeting seconds, I had a vision of an official poll, atop which Texas sat. Then, the God of Vengeance smote me with a plague of insanity, as I was forced to watch the refs give SC the ball practically in the end zone with even more time than they started out with on the last play. Never have I felt more physically ill watching a ball game. Just wait until New Years, you Men of Troy. We're comin' for ya...
  
  Edit: I CANNOT stop thinking about this game. Weis's gameplay was perfect: milk the clock through ball possession. Run, run, run some more. Keep the ball out of the USC offense's hands as much as possible. I had the most nervous sweat of my life when, during Notre Dame's last offensive drive, they screamed down the field in under two minutes, leaving SC with their own 2 minutes. WHYYYY?? WHY did you abandon gameplan?!? You were so close. Four minutes was plenty long to grind it out. The game was yours to finish, Weis! I think I may vomit.
  


• How many times have I told you, NEVER EVER, EVER LIVE ON RIVERSIDE? It's fucking ghetto. This is common knowledge.
  


• You know how each advertising spot has its target audience? Example: during the daytime, the only commercials you see on TV are for "earn your associates degree" programs, easy weight loss plans, and stay-dry maxi pads. During a football game, it's beer or Under Armor. Okay, cool. So this morning I was listening to Mike and Mike on ESPN radio, when they broke to the STRANGEST commercial ever. It was a recruiting slot for the DEA. What the fuck? Even weirder, they were asking for business or finance majors.
  
  Okay, if you're a business or finance major and your current job is good enough to warrent leaving for work at 5 in the morning, I find it HIGHLY unlikely that you will be lured away by a shitty government agency just because you heard a cheezy commercial for it. I'm not really sure what the recruiting department was thinking, but I don't really think commuting business professionals are their target audience. Plus, the commercial was just freaky. They guy sounded like a DJ at a strip joint, and he kept saying how exciting it would be to be on the winning side of the war on drugs. Yeah, because it's reaaaally exciting being a narc.
  
  Also, fuck the DEA.
  


• Finally, next year my first order of business as commissioner of the fantasy league will be to disallow the usage of Tomlinson and Alexander. The whole game is disgustingly unfair with those two in the mix. Is it any wonder that in our league of 14, the top two teams start these guys? It's definitely not coincidence. Meanwhile, I'm stuck with an injured Deuce McAllister and a worthless Dominick Davis. I love you too, Jesus.

Burning questions

A little something for you to ponder this weekend.

How/why do I end up naked and passed out, spread eagle on the floor of my apartment EVERY TIME I get hammered, when my bed is no more than 12 feet from where I fall?

What is the evolutionary explanation for midgets?

Why is midtown Houston so rockin' while downtown sucks? Downtown has an equal number of cool bars, yet the scene is considerably less appealing than that of midtown. It's a mystery.

Speaking of Houston, how can it be so hard to find Polly Scale paints in the nation's fourth largest city? I just don't understand.

Go Irish.

Deuce Discussion #2: Reality TV, Misunderstood Genre?

In Today's DD, Arfeo tackles that most controversial of topics: reality television. What are his thoughts on the medium? Read on.

I’m with you, I hate reality TV. Personally, I would rather receive a redundant circumcision than watch an episode of The Bachelor. It’s all starting to run together for me now. People trapped on an island, eating bat feces to find their true millionaire love while spending lifelines on trivia questions as to where in the world they must travel next in order to see what really happens when people start getting real.

But if we think about it, this odium we feel towards that genre of television is only as limited as the definition we give it. For isn’t pornography and sports simply reality television? And who among you can cast the first stone if they are included? Dead silence as I suspected. So let us agree to say this, not all reality TV is bad. Just most of it.

Richard comes clean

I'll be honest. All I really do is surf to blogs that I have found consistently contain superficially enjoyable content and plagiarize them. Let the God of Blogs smite me with a searing wave of depression and rob me of any ability to pretend like others care about and/or consume my hopelessly trite effusions. So, what do I check in on in those endlessly long hours at work?

Hedonistica.com. Really much more safe for work than it sounds. These kinds of gems.


SomethingAwful.com. I think everyone already knows about this'un. This week's Comedy Goldmine contains haikus about sex with the elderly.
How did I get here?
Why is cum in my Depends?
Who're you? Where am I?

And in the grand footsteps of DailyRotten.com, is TheRepublica.com. News for those too lazy and self-involved to fully understand the importance of real current events.

Yes, I'm crippling my ability to post regularly in the future BUT, I am forcing myself to branch out into even more obscure venues for revelling in the satiation of base desires. In 6 months, I'll just post hardcore porn.

We built this city on rock and roll

You probably think I'm going to talk about the "controversy" at home plate last night at the end of the Angels-White Sox game. I'm not. There was nothing controversial about the play at all. It was a blown call. Pure and simple. It's just part of the game

No, today's discussion involves something even more trivial than sports: political analysis.

Read Howard Fineman's MSNBC article here for reference. His claim is that the conservative movement is "falling apart at the seams." My claim is that Howard Fineman is an idiot.

First, let's take that silliest of phrases, "conservative movement." This is quite possible the most overused oxymoron of our day. Bolshevism was a movement. NOW represents a movement. Movements diverge from established social order, or from traditional values. Conservatism seeks to preserve those things. Sure, we all know to whom or to what he refers when he speaks of the conservative movement, but it's still an absurd nomenclature, and one that attempts to pass off as fad what is in reality a major political philosophy.

Anyway, on to the meat. Fineman thinks that the groups that represent conservatism - religious conservatives, libertarians, war hawks, and corporate types - have each finally decided to part ways. They've abandoned ship, and the conservative skeleton - one that is "incompetent, crony-filled, corrupt, unimaginative and weak" - is all that remains. Wow. This is all wrong.

Since when have the war hawks (synonymous with nation builders, power shufflers, and puppet masters, all acting pre-emptively) been conservative? Will someone please tell me what the fuck is conservative about die-hard Machiavelianism of the neo-cons? No, no one will tell, because there is nothing conservative about it. There is also nothing conservative about hardcore, live and let die corporateering either. Nothing. So that they are parting ways with the other two groups says zero about the state of conservatism.

And I'll go ahead and say he's flat out wrong about the libertarian types and religious going anyway other than where they are. Whither would they go? The only other options in this country are the Democratic Party or flying solo. The latter involves little to no media attention, and is the equivalent of political suicide. Joining the former would be COMPLETELY antithetical to the ideology of both groups. They're not budging.

It is unfortunate, but the Republican Party is the sole major political force in America that incorporates conservative ideology into its platform. Unfortunate because, like it or not, true conservatives are lumped into a group with others who don't necessarily share their ideology, who in fact reject it. We've already named a few: the neo-cons and corportate cut-throats. They obviously don't care about conservatism in the least. The thing is to maintain any visibility at all, conservatism has to work with a major party, even at the expense of being just one among many hats. That's the system. You've got to work with what you got.

So what am I getting at here? I guess ultimately it's that just because you are a Republican, it does not necessarily follow that you are a conservative. Fineman, in his vacuous argument, makes this false assumption, which allows him to form a doomsday prediction. His argument, midified slightly, could be applied to the Republican Party (although I still think it would fail), but not for conservatism. Conservatism is timeless. It is not a movement. Way to set up a straw man there, buddy.

Ed. Note: I recognize that what you just read was extremely poorly written and probably incohesive. In my defense, let it be known that the Franziskaner showed me no mercy last night. Please see the real bloggers for a better refutation of Fineman's madness.

Homosexuality becomes me

Last night I started taking defensive driving online. It's probably one of the more worthless experiences of my life. Actually, there was a pretty good 15 minute movie about trains, and how deadly they are, but I think the main reason I liked it is because the guy doing all the talking looked like my dad, ca. 1986. Apparently Texas state law mandates that any defensive driving course be no less than 6 hours in length, so each page is on a timer to regulate how fast you can zip through it. Pretty AIDS, I know. I only made it through about three hours before I started going batty.

I had just finished Lesson 4: Driving in Adverse Conditions when I realized an auction I was watching on Ebay was ending in no more than 2 minutes. Hurry, Ctrl+T, new tab, new tab!!! Well, the lame-ass defensive driving website didn't like that too much, and ended up freezing Firefox. This is the only feasible explanation I can come up, other than "God hates me." Needless to say, by the time I task managered to close Firefox, got it up and running again, and navigated to the My Ebay page, the auction was over. Son of a bitch. Not only was it something I really wanted, the price was a steal.

Anyway, the moral of the story: fuck you, Texas DPS, and your uncalibrated, lying, piece of shit radar guns.

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Hey, check this out. It's from this past weekend's game. The kid's name is Tyrone Prothro. Poor guy. You probably should quit scrolling down now if you have a weak stomach.
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Ouch.

Updated picks

Real fast before Game 1 starts, so I can show you all how wrong I am again, here are my picks for the Championship Series.

ChiSox over Angels in 5.

Astros over Cards in 7.

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"Awesome is an overused word in the 1980s, but Mike Tyson is absolutely awesome."
-Tyson/Young fight, 1985

It's Tyson week on ESPN classic, and they're showing some oooooold school mid 80's gems, back when Mike was an up-and-comer, and he could really be called Iron. The man was a fucking god. I don't know why, but every time I see a "Behind the Glory" or "Sports Century" about him, I end up weeping in commiseration, especially during the part when Cus D'Amato dies. If ever there was a real life tragic figure, Tyson is its embodiment.

Oh well, time for baseball.

Deuce Discussion #1: OU Game, Somewhat Dissatisfying

The regular column is back. This time we've recruited one of our more (il?)legitimate brothers, Arfeo, to do what he does best. No, it's not "minding the stepchildren," but rather, "telling it like it is." We hope to someday add his name to the sidebar and officially upgrade to a Tetrumvirate. Enjoy.

There are many things that don’t quite feel as good as you thought it would. That first time you have sex, four pumps of glory don’t quite hit the spot. That first drink of alcohol, and the resulting uncontrollable choking that followed. I was disappointed when I graduated college, because I realized that I never really accomplished anything other than liver damage. My first Communion, since I was too young to truly understand the significance, was simply stale bread put on my tongue by a guy whose hand smelled like he just gave an altar boy “the stinky fishy”. Becoming a frat boy, I was tempered slightly when I realized that I had joined the only fraternity that actually made the possibility of being laid LESS likely.

No, but beyond all of these is this years Texas – OU game. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad we won and we may have a shot at the big worthless crystal football, but it just didn’t feel as satisfying as I thought it would. It wasn’t an orgasm, I didn’t feel drunk, I wasn’t jumping up and down like after OSU and I did not light up a cigarette afterwards. Perhaps it’s because when someone slaps your woman, kicks you in the balls, steals all your money and urinates on your shoe, you don’t feel like a conquering hero when you point and him and say “you’re an asshole man.” Perhaps it’s because we beat a retarded paraplegic version of OU this year. Or, perhaps it was because my theory that our offense can’t put up consistent points against a comparably talented team wasn’t disproved. More than likely, though, it’s because we didn’t get to rob them of the chance to go to the national title game the way they had done to us the last few years.

Greatest Sports Weekend. EVER.

I know I make that claim often, but this time I really think there is a case to be made. I'm absolutely convinced that when God invented the month of October, he had us sports fans in mind. It just doesn't get any better than this.


First of all, OU sucks. It feels so amazing to be able to say that and actually believe it now. Time to buy your Rose Bowl tickets.

Three "games of the season" for three of my teams, and I missed them all. Between a family celebration on Saturday and the plane ride back to Houston yesterday afternoon, I only caught a collective three hours of the sports greatness that was this weekend. The fact that I had my hands physically ON tickets to yesterday's all-time epic Astros game and could've been there to live it makes the whole deal all the more bittersweet. But hey, who's complaining? Bring on the Cards. I do feel the need to issue a public apology to the 'Boys, for disowning them for even a day. Way to unleash the beast and put those dirty Eagles in their dirty little place.

Oh yeah, and a HUGE congratulations to Joepa and his faithful on a monster win.

In other news... fuckin' Yankees. Let's go Angels.

We have a special treat we're unveiling this week, hopefully tomorrow, so live in eager anticipation until then. And Richard, post some pics from this weekend!

Seacrest, out.

BEAT OU

The Eyes of Texas are upon you,
All the live long day.
The Eyes of Texas are upon you,
You can not get away.
Do not think you can escape them
At night or early in the morn-
The Eyes of Texas are upon you
'Till Gabriel blows his horn.


The Dallas Morning News and Austin Statesman both have awesome coverage.

See you guys at 5-0, sorry I can't be there.

Death and Destruction

Ever the purveyor of mindless tripe, I refuse to use my ample amounts of time with internet access to increase my stores of knowledge. The input hole is only so big, ya know, boss? So, here we go, predator/prey/predator wha?



And for those who remember the short-lived, but definately halcyon age of two Xboxes in the upstairs:



Admittedly, one of mediocre skill could put together such a montage with dilligent recording and unconscionable amounts of play, but hey, it was fun to watch. I imagine the amount of shit talking that would fly from our league legends after the wanton sticking by Yourgayuncle or the precision sniper work of Firefox. Peewee and Toonces would run, run so far away, but wouldn't get away.

One Day Pass

Today on The Herd, Colin made a pretty good point: no other lifelong commitment are you forced to make at age 9, but to your sports teams. You are stuck with them at such a young age, and to jump ship or become less of a fan is to sell out in the fan-dom world. He gave the listeners a one day pass to trade in one team they had faithfully followed forever (fuh-fuh-fuh) for one they had secretly coveted. There were Yanks hanging up their hats for one with a "B" on it, South Carolinians going to the "real" USC camp, Rangers crossing state to become Astros, and the like. So I pose his question to you - which team would you trade in, and what would you replace it with?

And the irony continues...

in that the one time I really didn't do anything, I get in the most trouble. God loves me.

Work is completely swamping me, so the best I can give you today is AntWeb. It's pretty sweet, check it out.

Joe Buck is funny

Did anyone else catch Joe Buck's friendly little rip against Lenny Dykstra last night during the Yanks-Angels? It was fucking hilarious. Joe noted the irony in the fact that "a guy you never saw without tobacco running down his face" now owned a carwash. I instantly wondered how many guys in America were sitting on their couches with the same delayed hysteria I had. Then Tim McCarver busts in with, "You know, they used to call him Nails." I was pissing myself, it was probably the funniest thing I've heard in a month.


Today, make sure you head over to Caffeine and Irony for their link to the Best Trailer Ever.

Vindication is swift, and shaped like a uterus!

Wowzers!

Just when you thought no one was reading, we are attacked by an invading female force! This is greatness. Make sure you read my previous two posts and their comments before continuing, for full effect!

Dear female flamers,

I realize that you are just trying to stick up for your friend, the writer of the "fan mail" in question. (BTW, don't I get any props for at least keeping her identity a secret?) I also realize that you have all hated me with all your being for quite a good while, because of the fact that I play her like flute. So, while your comments are somewhat justified and definitely appreciated, they are ultimately knee-jerk in reaction, and taken as such. Thanks for the readership!

Love,

Vince

P.S. To my dear Shannon: I've always liked you the best, though we've never met. If you ever wanna go out for drinks and possibly a drunken hookup, you know where to find me.

Fan Mail

We love fan mail!

Here's one I received today, from a devoted female reader:

Sometimes I think; wow vince is amazing, and I would love to procreate with him and have himin my life. Then I read your freaking blog with posts like your conservative opinions today, and I realize I would have to kidnap my own children to save them from your close minded prejudicial views. good lord. and in what world did bush win by a "convincing majority?" And even further, do you honestly believe that his promise to appoint conservative judges was the issue that pushed him over Kerry. It was the fact that he got to soak in the glory that any president would after 9-11 that he was reinstated. seriously vince.

and by the way, there is this little thing called seperation of church and state that you seem to ignore alot in your political posts. read your freaking constitution.

This makes me laugh, out loud even. Gee, sometimes I forget just how glorious post-9/11 America really is. HA! Good joke, fan!

We love fan mail, so keep it comin'...

Gut feeling

Most Americans have not forgotten what pushed Bush over the top in the 2004 presidential race. His repeated promise to nominate only Supreme Court justices who would be strict constitutionists rang true in the ears of the many. Even with a debacle of a first term, he won by a convincing majority, thanks to that one issue (well, that and the fact that Kerry was a complete douchebag).

Fast forward almost a year. Roberts is nominated. The firestorm of criticism from the left is immediate. Bush backs his man through it all, and he's eventually confirmed. A victory for Bush, a victory for those who voted for him in the interest of such a nominee, and (dare I say it?) a victory for America. Bush manages to pull through on his campaign promise, and all is well in the world.

What no one expected, however, was that not one but TWO spots would open up within such narrow temporal proximity. Bush was ready for a one hand all-in, but I don't think his squad was adequately prepared for what would turn into a more drawn out game involving much higher stakes. They obviously hadn't even drawn up a contingency for the situation involving concurrent vacancies.

Now, all that said, let's get down to what really matters: my opinion on the Miers nomination. I personally take solace in the fact that she is from the private sector. It pleases me that she is from SMU. I much prefer her religious fundamentalism to a countless number of other religious thoughtlines. Not that I explicitly condone any one of those aspects per se, but that each is so inherently antithetical to judicial activism, which is good, good, good.

I approach her lack of a "paper trail," as the MSM is so fond of calling it, with cautious optimism. Bush is self-conscious enough to realize that these picks have the potential to be one of the few bright spots in what has up to this point been a rather hit-or-miss presidency (with emphasis on the miss). I would venture so far as to say that they have the potential to define it, and mark its place in history. You bet your ass he thinks about that all the time, and it weighs like a rock on his decisions.

Taking that into consideration, I am inclined to trust him, and assume that she will be a strict constitutionalist. The last thing he wants is another failure in the eyes of the public - especially the public that is responsible for keeping him in office. She's qualified and experienced, and there's no reason she shouldn't be confirmed, so I think that she will be with little resistance, albeit plenty of uneasiness on both sides of the aisle. Who knows? This could be Bush's most brilliant move to date. My gut feeling: it is.

And now for my completely biased baseball picks:

Division Series
Cards in 3 (Padres suck)
Astros in 4 (rotation: Clemens, Pettitte, Oswalt)
Angels in 4 (Angels pen dominates even without a leftie, and the Yanks are bitches)
BoSox in 5 (I only picked five because I hope it goes that many)

Championship Series
Astros in 6 (hey, we swept the Cards the last series of the season)
BoSox in 6 (in a GREAT series)

World Series
Astros in 7 (followed by the heavens parting, and Jesus coming down to take us all up to heaven)

The slope is slippery...

They can get you at the beginning, they can get you at the end. Let's keep creeping until they can catch you in the middle...

All time oxymoron: mercy killing.

Why I love Arfeo, and random Saturday thoughts

Arfeo: so, the sooners are starting to get back into swing
Vince: it might actually be a game next week
Arfeo: oh they will bring it
Arfeo: i hope its not an early game
Vince: noon
Arfeo: fuck
Vince: yeah that's what i said
Arfeo: i dont think mack knows how to get the troops ready for early starts
Vince: today's first quarter was unbelievably bad
Arfeo: yes but the good news is i had such volatile flu diarreah that i actually had to wipe matter off of my ass cheeks
Arfeo: not simply the convetional crack
Vince: that's hot



More reasons why I hate ABC's coverage of college football:

1) Craig James
2) Aaron Taylor
3) no ticker
4) no updates on other games.... ever!

The human interest stories on College Gameday (built by the Home Depot) usually manage to at least bring a tear to my eye, but today's piece about Weis granting the kid his dying wish had me bawling. Geez ESPN, way to slap us with a dose of reality.

Favorite plays on X and goal: 1) Play action bootleg to the weak side and 2) the tight end fade to the corner of the end zone. When I become an offensive coordinator, I'm going to call those every time. And then I'll probably get intercepted a lot.

Fuckin' Yankees...

Favorite scene on the sideline: the trainer going ape shit after a big play and cracking his towel like a whip, with authority. Something about the towel makes it so comic and so classic, all at the same time.

How 'bout the Bears passing game against the Wrecking Crew D? I thought for sure they had the upset pulled off. If they wouldn't have sucked so much dick in the Old Spice Red Zone (like 2 for 25) they would have won by a couple touchdowns. Next year, Baylor, next year...

Word of the day: Jamaal fucking Charles. It's good to know that we're set at back for at least three more years. Even better is that the zone read has actually worked the last couple games. I'll give it to Greg Davis - he's done a pretty outstanding job so far this season. I have a feeling he's got a little sum'n-sum'n in his back pocket for the Sooners next weekend. It's gonna be good.....

And finally - For some reason, fifty years ago my grandparents decided that OU weekend would be a good one on which to be wed. This means that my presence is expected back home next weekend to partake in golden anniverary festivities.. In other words, I will not be in Dallas to rub a college career's worth of losses to OU in all those dirty, fucking Sooners' faces. Perhaps even more tragic is the fact that their anniversary Mass begins at 2 PM, Saturday afternoon. Yes, right smack in the middle of the third quarter. I know. I know. No, seriously... I know.